Lauren’s relationship had three basic stages: the 2-week fun bit, the 2 year restructure of her man as a human and an intense 6 months of dropping engagement hints that would make a thrice-divorced mummyprenuer’s pyramid sales pitch over messenger seem subtle.

Over time Lauren’s hints became more aggressive. She needed a ring to provide credibility to her relentless boasting to her favs that she and Dan were tighter than a baby boomer’s fist in the economy’s hole without the decency to use the sweat of Gen Y as lube.

She storms into the lounge room while Dan watches the Dockers Waterhouse yet another game, “are you even serious about all this?” She runs out crying and refuses to elaborate further on her outburst.

It’s not just the outbursts, it was also the sex life. It’s like his dick was a Zooper Dooper that was too cold for the mouth so it’d just be squeezed impatiently until it melted. He even used to enjoy a little foray into ol brokeback’s shack, but that has since been abandoned like Dreamworld’s ticket line.

Dan is a good guy, but his judgment is as shit as Grant Denyer’s driving. He waltzes into Cash Converters and starts perusing the “my baby’s daddy is in prison, so I sold the ring” section. He puts a deposit on a $600 ring and intends to return the following week to complete the transaction.

Alas, Lauren uses his car the next day and spots Cash Converter’s Victoria Park in the GPS. “He better be after a new fuking kite surfing board,” she thinks as she travels to the rip-off-a-torium. After a series of intense questions, she determines that a man matching Dan’s description had attempted to commit engagacide.

When Dan gets home that night, Lauren is standing in the corridor staring at him like Elliot Stabler looks at an especially heinous sex criminal. “Cash Converters? I won’t say yes, did you think you could get away with it?”

Fuck. Dan has been exposed like a dick through a trenchcoat. He bites the bullet and blows his savings on a $5k piece with a diamond that looked as big as a little African kid’s hands as compared to the enormous pick-axe use to mine it.

As per Lauren’s dreams (instructions), Dan books a holiday in Cable Beach and arranges a $200 beach picnic. He goes to reach into his pocket but is interrupted, “champagne first darling, the sun hasn’t even started setting”.

Sun now setting, he proposes with her dream words (script), but she is too busy fucking around with her iPhone camera to actually say yes. Not to worry, she takes 78 couple’s selfies until she decides on the perfect one that makes her look hot and the stone sparkle like a toilet in a Spray & Wipe commercial.

Instead of enjoying the moment, she spends the next 30 minutes re-drafting her social media post caption, settling with, “he ROCKS my world 😉 #shesaidyes #yes #marriage #engaged #diamond #whereisthediamond #broome #love #loveconquors #helovesme #yallslutslonley”.

As they say, you are not officially engaged until you’ve alerted a bunch of high school acquaintances on social media that you’d rather die than ever see again.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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