NOR officially declared the most basic after Starbucks chooses it to set up shop

For years, Perth experts have mused over which side of the river was most basic. Luckily, the question has finally been answered after it was announced Starbucks was plopping its first Perth store in Clarkson.

Starbucks is known for making drinks for people who think coffee should taste like what it makes you do 15 minutes after consuming it. It’s also very popular with people who like diabetes-riddled moronacinos.

We spoke to an exceptionally basic NOR resident who couldn’t be more excited about the American giant coming to town,

“Oh em gee, slayyyyyyyy, I can finally do coffee dates with ma guurrrrrrls for real. I just love how I can get my entire daily allowance of sugar in one sip!”

SOR residents have been left with a bittersweet feeling however. With many being thankful they are less basic than NOR but also share the same basic urges as their NOR counterparts.

We spoke to a basic SOR girl who told The Times that she would have to move NOR now to be amongst her people. Adding,

“Clarkson is like really gross but if I don’t move now I’ll miss out when the store closes down in 6 months because people realise you can get better coffee at Maccas these days”

Starbucks will have to sell a lot of shit-in-a-cup in those 6 months to make it worth it. Especially given the hold that Dome has on Western Australians who are indifferent to what coffee they drink.

Our advice is get in quick.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?