A Perth office worker has been forced to take extraordinary action today after seeing yet another marauding coworker nab his preferred desk space.
Yes, this is another grim tale about the horrors of hot desking. An HR strategy that suggests the modern office environment doesn’t foster enough inter-staff loathing already. We spoke to Clint who unleashed a mighty torrent at about 9 am today,
“I got the idea from walking my dog last night. To prepare I smashed 3 coffees and overhydrated myself like a millennial’s houseplant. Let’s just say that desk is absolutely covered in my scent”
By all accounts, the strategy worked. Not only did the trifling coworkers stay off his desk after the act but they even moved several desks away. He knows doesn’t have to hear Brent breathe through his mouth or Lucy massacre imaginary ants on her keyboard all day.
We had to find out what was so special about this desk. We asked Clint who said that it wasn’t just a desk it was a full office lifestyle, adding,
“It’s close enough to the kitchenette to have easy access but not bothered by the monotonous conversations emanating from it. It’s angled so the boss can’t see my screen and I get a view out the window. I’d engage in mortal kombat for this spot”
Alas, Clint wasn’t safe yet. While he indeed secured the desk for the morning session, he returned from lunch to see coworker Todd unzipped with hog in hand. He told The Times,
“I told Todd that if he pisses all over my desk we are going to be having words. Luckily I was able to spook him enough to give him stage fright. I knew I had to seal the deal, that stream could’ve burst forth at any time, so I unzipped and sprayed the shit out of it”
In his haste, Clint had miscalculated his aim and given Todd’s R.Ms a nice little shine. Still unable to urinate, Todd knew that his boots now belonged to the alpha of the pack. He told The Times,
“Yeah, I was playing a dangerous game and came off second ay. Man, if Clint was just a few minutes later I would’ve claimed that desk. I had a massive piss busting but ultimately I couldn’t deliver on my KPI – key pissing indicators”
Well done Clint.
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