Perth Man Feeling Dusty After The Weekend Convinced It’s The Monkeypox 

East Perth resident Trent, has awoken on Monday morning with mild dehydration, sniffles, and some dry, itchy skin around his face. Ordinarily, they would be the telltales signs of a big weekend but Trent has convinced himself it’s the Monkeypox. 

A well-known hypochondriac, Trent has already sent his goodbyes to his friends & family as he prepares to isolate himself for a week as he prepares for the onslaught of boils that will no doubt follow his self-diagnosis. 

Trent lay in bed nursing a litre of Maximus while he checked his arms for slightly redder pigmentation to back up his claims. He told The Times,

“You never think it’s going to be you but ultimately, the Monkeypox will come for us all. My girlfriend says I have a head cold and a hangover but she’s just being strong for me”

A close friend to Trent rolled his eyes as he read the dramatic messages from his mate. Telling The Times,

“You got any idea how many times he mistook mild hayfever for the Rona? Not just any Rona he kept saying it was obviously a new variant that couldn’t be detected on a RAT. Now he’s hungover from sinking 14 pints after Flagmantle’s win on Saturday night and he’s got the Monkeypox, obviously”

Trent denies his over refreshment could possibly be the cause of his current ailments. Telling The Times,

“Um, since when does polishing off half a carton on Sunday afternoon give you a monkey-chafe between your thighs? Or the monkey-cough I’m picking up. I’m patient 0 in WA I know it”

Monkeypox experts say that it can be easy to mistake the infectious disease for the chafe caused by walking 3km home in jeans pissed off your nut on Saturday night. 

He also said a cough could be a symptom of Monkeypox but the two packs of darts Trent smashed over the weekend was a much more realistic cause. 

Currently, there are no known cases of Monkeypox in WA but authorities will obviously take any reports of it seriously. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?