Perth Pub now requiring customers to download an App to use the toilets 

A Perth pub has made the novel step of requiring all customers to download an app called Shitr to access their toilets. 

The initiative comes after a consultation with the Department of Solutions to Problems That Don’t Exist. A spokesperson for the pub told The Times,

“A lot of people think we are in the pint and parmi game but in reality, we’re in the data game so this wildly unnecessary move made sense. It also helps us monitor customer’s toilet habits so we can send bespoke recommendations”

It was an interesting idea. During a trial of the technology, an old mate who absolutely destroyed a toilet and left other punters dry heaving said he kept getting notifications of the house salad being on special. He told The Times,

“I haven’t eaten a salad in 30 years so why does me phone keep sending me information about it? I initially told them to shove their app and QR code up their clacker but every scan gets me 10c off me next middie”

The pub also noted that the technology allows them to determine which cretinous pint-ape vandalised their toilets. Adding,

“Knowing who is in the toilet and then allows us to better action incidents of vandalism. After you scan the app you have to indicate if you’re going number 1 or 2s. So we know where you are at all times. We also can track your times over multiple sessions and can determine whether you’re really chucking a shit or racking up”

Unsurprisingly, the new system has caused some anger among locals. Many wondering why on fkn earth they need an app to drain the lizard.

Others have welcomed the technology, stating that they have noticed a significant drop in men pissing into an already overflowing urinal for the “fun of it”. Also, 50% less pint glasses stuffed down s-bends. 

It’s too early to tell if the technology will sweep through the rest of the hospo scene but it just might.