Perth Stadium Offering 50% Off Entry If You Step In And Play A Quarter For The Eagles Today

It’s like groundhog season for the West Coast Eagles. Last year their playing list was ravaged by the spicy cough. This year, they have seen more injuries than limbo night at the retirement village. However, this is good news for the punters.

In an attempt to alleviate pressure on the players, Perth Stadium is offering 50% off admission if you agree to strap on your boots and slot a few cheeky goals from the forward pocket. A spokesperson for Perth Stadium told The Times,

“This opportunity is obviously well suited for sacks of shit that tell everyone they should’ve been drafted back in 2010 but it’s open to all. Men, women & children, just anyone who has a negative RAT and doesn’t groan when they get up”

Jacko is one such piece of shit. Telling The Times,

“It’s my time. I’ve been waiting for this moment my whole life. Of course, I’m doing this to help the boys out but in reality, this is my audition, Australia will know my name again. They’ll know Jacko is the man who beat the Dees by torping it from 80m off a single step on the siren”

Jacko drifted away in a delusional daze as he played out the glory in his mind. Fist pumping, Benny C arm wheeling and then miming how he’d get blown up by his newfound groupies and down corridors of Perth Stadium after. 

Martin is similarly keen after flying into a rage after seeing the odds on Sportsbet. He told us,

“Those dogs have the audacity to make the Dees HEAVY favourites IN PERTH. That’s just dogging the boys. I’ll be taking Perth Stadium up on their offer and bringing back the biffo to footy, which in my opinion is sorely needed”

See, Martin was raised by a generation of men who didn’t consider a bump “hard enough” unless it resulted in immediate hospitalisation and a pending criminal investigation. 

Martin spends countless weekends screaming at his TV because the game has gone soft, woke and snowflakey. This is his opportunity to let Australia see the entertainment letting borderline psychos back on the paddock. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?