The Private School Dad

Geoffrey is a holstered toilet brush of a man: from a distance, he looks fine but on closer inspection, he is a festering mess of unpleasantness.

He is preparing to go and watch his son compete in a rowing meet. He strokes an old rowing trophy while lamenting his son’s failure to make the first eight. He repeats the anger management mantra he learnt after his son caught a crab during the Head of the River last year, “he is my son and I will love him”.

The weekends meet is south of the river so Geoffrey makes sure the doors on his car are locked at all times. Some say he’s never forgiven his wife for suggesting a short cut last time and coming within 10m of windscreen washers. A frightening experience for Geoffrey.

He spends most of the car trip telling his boy to ignore everything the coach has said and to listen to him. After all, Geoffrey was only in year 10 when he allegedly broke an Olympic record to single-handedly win a regatta.

Before the race, Geoffrey sidles up to a group of parents and starts banging on about his proposed agenda at the next parents meeting,

“I’m worried that they are going to make that new kid on the footy scholarship head boy. We have to speak up, he should bloody still be at Como High, what kind of look is it for the school?”

Of course, Geoffrey’s son has as much chance of being made head boy as Geoffrey has of letting go of his glory years at high school. Nevertheless, Geoffrey has made a few sizable donations and expects a return on his investment.

When his crew momentarily take the lead Geoffrey loses control. He starts screaming and urging his son to “get a few boat lengths on these losers”. His composure is unsettling and to put it simply he’s carrying on like Tom Cruise at a couch sale.

Unfortunately, a stronger crew manages to dig deep and ultimately wins the race. Geoffrey at the finishing line going apeshit at the officials claiming the winner crew cheated. He finishes his abusive serenade by threatening to punch the stroke of the winning boat.

Well, It’s not Christmas lunch, but there sure is a turkey present. Geoffrey goes and takes 15 minutes time-out in his car, while his wife paints on the grin of the ashamed wife.

At the presentation afterwards, Geoffrey sinks Stellas in an attempt to forget about his son’s failure. After a few beers, he loosens up and ogles the school girls who came to support.

He loudly whispers, “tell ya what, I wouldn’t mind being in year 12 right now”. Oof. Pump the brakes, Geoffrey. We don’t want a repeat of the year 12 ball night.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?