Federal Budget Hoping To Win Over West Aussies With Funding To Reintroduce Chooks

There is swirling speculation that the LNP will set aside up to one billion dollars in federal funding to ensure there is a Chooks in every neighbourhood of WA. Some cynics are calling this “pretty blatant”. Others are in a salt trance thinking about those chips. 

Sources close to the treasurer said that he has been working closely with ScoMo to help cleanse the “stink of Clive” from their party and show Western Australia they are in our corner. 

A spokesperson for the LNP told The Bell Tower Times,

“Ideally we’d set aside money in the budget to put more precious minerals in your earth, so we can keep milking you, you beautiful, beautiful Hi-Vis cash cow. Obviously, that’s beyond this government’s powers, so we’ll do the next best thing, a Chooks on every corner”

ScoMo showed signs he was committed to the move, telling The Times,

“WA often feels it’s us against them. Just like a Classic Fremantle Hawks v West Coast Anchorman rivalry. It’s simply not the case. I’m just like you, I want my ¼ Chooks chicken & chips so I can go down to Cottsborough Beach and watch some bloody good NRL with my fellow dirtgropers”

Clearly the LNP has done their research but have they found the exact spot to strike in the WA deathstar mentality? Perhaps. 

We spoke to Ken who has never truly gotten over the demise of his favourite chicken chain,

“I don’t trust that ScoMo, I’d knock his smug block off if I could but also I am just a man. A weak man who would do unspeakable things to get his mouth around a Chooks chicken roll and chips. I’ve been a shell of a man since they closed in 2010”

The interview had to be halted as Ken attempted to offer his body in exchange for more information on exactly when his favourite franchise would be reintroduced to Willagee.

Frydenberg is tight-lipped but told The Times,

“Does the LNP think WA can be bought with the promise of chicken? No. Do we think it can be bought with the promise of Chooks Fresh & Tasty? With select down south restaurants keeping their former River Rooster name? In a word, yes”

WA watches on with interest as ScoMo is yet to come through on his previous promises of doing a kickflip off the Telstra Exchange or shouting everyone a couple of d-bangers at the pub. 

These promises will define your legacy, Scott. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?