BREAKING: Satan repents after being faced with an eternity of live Rolf Harris songs 

The Prince of Darkness has allegedly broken down and begged for the Lord’s forgiveness after just two weeks of enduring tremendous paedo Rolf Harris’ shitty wobble board from his spot in the big BBQ. 

A source close to Lucifer said he initially was excited to get his new recruit. As he’d previously used Rolf Harris songs to torment the eternally damned in “short, sharp bursts”. Adding,

“It’s an OH&S issue for all the demon-staff and the big feller himself. Sustained Wobble boarding might be acceptable as a way to punish a sinner but these guys are just doing their jobs. Even satan has a line”

By all reports, the disgraced boy from Bassendean has settled in nicely into the abyss and has formed a band with good mates Jimmy & Cardinal Pell. Going by Rockspider & Roll. Their constant rehearsals have pushed Beelzebub to the edge. He told The Times,

“Every time I close my eyes I can hear two little boys ringing in my ears. How did man on Earth let him get away with that song? It’s always the ones who look exactly like you’d expect isn’t it?”

We understand the good & benevolent Lord has actually picked up the blower to his ex-right-hand Angel. Even pitying his plight. A source close to God,

“I don’t want to be one to say you reap what you sow but… I’m sure it’s going to be a long eternity for Lucifer now that Rolfy is rocking the inferno but he really should have thought about that before, well you know, all the betrayal and evil and such”

The Prince understands the Lord’s decision but is undergoing some serious soul-searching. Swearing to give up all the evil stuff if it meant not having to hear “tie me kangaroo down sport” one more time

We can also report that Rolf has been spending his time giving big Adolphy H some art tips. No doubt bonding over their “shared interests”.

RELATED: Satan Apologises To Perth For Smoke Cover, Confirms He’s Just Throwing a BBQ For New Arrival 

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