REPORT: Winter Really Testing Local Bloke’s Seltzer Diet Strategy 

During summer, Perth local, Damo was able to force down seltzer after seltzer in the knowledge he was putting less KJs into his body thus theoretically reducing his gut.

The air was hot and despite tasting like a Smurf’s wet patch, the seltzers managed to go down with ease. He didn’t enjoy them per se but it was the better of two evils. 

Alas, now winter has well and truly come to the party, Damo is struggling to force the dogshit down. He told The Times,

“You know, I think I’d welcome morbid obesity if it meant I didn’t have to brace myself for every sip of this White Claw. It’s taste-adjacent. It’s disgusting. The price tag doesn’t help much either”

His resolve was indeed tested on the weekend when his mate bought a round of big, fat, filthy IPAs to the table. He continued, 

“Speaking of wet patches, I made a mess of my pants after one sip if you know what I mean. Tasted so damn good. Big, bold, and full of flavour then I went back to my $12 seltzer and wanted to smash it into the bar floor. I haven’t even lost weight”

Indeed, simple mathematics isn’t Damo’s strong suit. His plan to replace froffs with twice as many seltzers resulted in him ingesting the same number of Kjs. In a cruel twist of irony, he would’ve been no worse off if he’d enjoyed his usual drinks. 

Nevertheless, he’s got a poster of Arnie on his garage gym wall now and doesn’t intend to slow down on the seltzers. Even if each sip in the cold winter air goes down like razor blades. 

On’ya Damo. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?