In my toime, I’ve fixed entire mine sites with me bare hands, but as I found out via a note stuck to me fridge, there is no JSA for love. The misso reckons I am emotionally stunted and will shack up with Johnno if I don’t meet her needs. Luckily, like always, I’m the man for the job.

Figure out if cuntsfucked – roight, first and foremost, ask the misso if her emotional outburst was due to being on her rags. Never assume your neglect and general unpleasantness is the root factor until she confirms it orright.

Basically, if she admits to her feminine failings you’re swoit, just push it right down into the hurt locker, no need to rummage around; but if she goes troppo, you have to pull out the sandpaper of love and smooth things over.

Date Night – you can’t talk about man-feelings if you’re stuffing your face with the best Hogs Breath has to offer. Take your queen for a feed and make sure you don’t scrimp – let her order at LEAST a $30 main, trust me, a little sacrifoiice goes a long way.

Next, get pissed – alcohol is the best primer to put on before painting over your issues with a thick layer of “she’ll be roight”. Don’t get shit-hammered though, or those pesky emotions will leak out ha ha.

Rootin’ – hit every angle with your 9-inch grinder ha ha. It’s the most important tool in your kit. I remember we were on strike while building the Mandurah rail, and those dogs weren’t going to budge on our requests for a 2 hours smoko, so I took the area manager into me office, made her see god 8 times, and guess what, the union got its way ha ha. Think about that every toime you catch the Mandurah line.

Sweet Nuffins – the job should be looking pretty good if you have followed my advice so far. Remember though, taking her on an all-inclusive trip to the root resort may not be the end of it, especially if yous got a small dick ha ha, just joshing, of course, you do. For a professional finish, tell her that her eyes and milkers are grouse and if *someone* plays their cards roight, it’ll be Sizzler next year.

Problem solvered. Now go and knock out Johnno for tryna cut ya grass, the dog.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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