It was late on a Tuesday evening when we got the tip-off. A man walking his Cavoodle was accosted by 5 youths in distinctive, matching pastel Ralph Lauren hoodies. They said it was the windfall from last financial year’s franking credits or his life.
Fearsome tactics – The Peppy Grove Grin
Stories like this have been flooding in since the Peppy Grove Gang began their reign of terror at the start of the year. We spoke to a shop owner who requested to remain anonymous out of fear of a “Peppy Grove Grin” – when a thug places their daddy’s black AMEX into your mouth and whacks your stomach with a lifebuoy to cause an agonising split. She told The Times,
“We’ve had lots of artisan water go missing. Security is too scared to touch them because they’ll be sued by their fathers. This new guy once grabbed one and not only did the boy’s father have his contacts in immigration get his Visa cancelled but he was attacked”
Police response to the crisis
According to police, the security guard was returning to his car when he fell victim to a drive-by polo-malleting. Naturally, he is refusing to cooperate with police but witnesses at the scene say it was a black tinted Range Rover Sport and the assailants sped away screaming out their warcry. A policeman told The Times,
“When launching these attacks the PGG belts out rowing chants. They are turning these leafy streets into the cutthroat world of the head of the river. It’s very frightening for the community. Sadly our hands are tied, none of us want to end up stationed in Karratha after a phone call from one of their parents”
Interview with Lil Riviera – the ringleader of the PGG
We managed to gain exclusive access to a ringleader of the PGG. We were asked to meet him at the Scotch College Boatsheds and to be alone. When we arrived, the Tom Ford cologne was thick in the air. That’s when a boy calling himself “Lil Riviera” approached. He poured out some pet nat onto the floor for his lost homeboys. He explained,
“That’s for my boy Yung Beneficiary and T-Fund. They got sent away on a family holiday to Monaco. Free me Gees, respect to the 6011 we run these streets, brrrrrrrp brrrrrrrp”
The following is a transcript from the interview. You’ll have to excuse the abruptness of the questions but it was a terrifying ordeal.
BTT: Do you feel remorse for the victims of your crimes?
Lil Riviera: Nah, we mostly target blow-ins, au pairs, and the help. They shouldn’t even be in the Grove anyway.
BTT: How does one become a member of the PGG?
Lil Riviera: We run this thug game like Karrinyup Country Club, you need 2 G’s to vouch for you, pure nepotism, it’s all we know. We cold like that
BTT: Care to comment on the current beef with the Cottesloe Kings?
Lil Riviera: let’s just say if they cross Stirling Highway then someone is going home in the back of a Rangey.
It was clear after the interview that we were dealing with the future of Perth’s white collar criminal scene here. So we spoke to Alex* (not his real name) who did half a day in custody for insider trading who has dedicated his life to working with the disenfranchised Peppy Grove youth. He told The Times,
“We try to teach them that real killaz operate in boardrooms. Look at the CEOs of Woolworths or Coles, they are shamelessly profiteering while people struggle to live. That’s a real gangster. That’s what being hard is really about. Not breaking into pool houses and making a butler play a game of barcode bash to get your kicks. Boys antagonise the poor, men crush them”
A vigilante emerges – The Squeegee Man
While efforts are made to divert these boys into proper, corporate Golden Triangle crime, the community is forced to deal with the current state of affairs. So it’s not surprising a vigilante has emerged. He is known only as Squeegee Man.
These bad boys might be tough but they cannot overcome their instinctive fear of men who clean windscreens at the traffic lights. A major reason why the PGG never venture out of the western burbs. The Squeegee Man roams the streets at night armed with his bottle of murky water and squeegee looking for the PGG. He told The Times,
“They see me, they piss bolt away. I am the one who goes bump in the night. Just last week I rescued a couple of girls from being objectified via a private school chant. It was a close call”
Can the community rely solely on the actions of this lone windscreen washer? Should the Council be funnelling money under the table to the Cottesloe Kings to fund a secret war? These are all questions that will need to be raised at the next Council meeting.
As a final thought, we spoke to a former member of ASIO who had turned into an alcoholic. Living in shame of what he and his squad did in the early 00s. He told The Times,
“We should have never introduced coke to the western burbs. We have created a generation of coked-up wankers who have the worst case of big fish in a small pond arrogance ever seen. We did this. We all did this”
Food for thought.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?