6:00 am – I’m up at the break of dawn for my first patrol. My primary objectives are to ascertain who has used a visitor bay overnight and whether any of my 54 laminated notes around the complex have been tampered with. Take photographic evidence of all of the above.
6:30 am – crumpets with a slice of butter while I write a note for every car parked in the visitor bay. They may have not done anything wrong YET but they ought to know they are on VERY thin ice.
7:00 am – time to pop my head into communal areas such as the gym and pool. Passive aggressively ask everyone whether they are *actually* residents and pull them up on a rule they aren’t breaking. Perhaps I’ll tell them I’ve had reports of people running by the pool. Anything to make me feel large and in charge.
8:30 am – after most residents have left for work I am out for a more thorough inspection of the properties. I have a little ruler for grass height and a white cloth to check how dirty the outside of one’s bin is. I will also have a look through the bin to detect evidence of parties or other by-law infringements. 16 cans of beer? Hmmm, I think we’ve got a live one. I’ll crush them like a bug.
9:30 am – 11 am – return to my unit and begin laminating a new set of warnings, alerts, and notices for the complex. Slowly rub one out to the rhythmic noises of my laminator. It is my everything mmmmmmmmmm…
12 pm – I’m on high alert as I watch my daytime stories and embroider cat faces onto pillows. I hear a tradesman arrive for a job that has nothing to do with me. Time to leap into action and police their every move. From where they park their ute to making them give me a detailed itinerary of when power tools will be used.
2 pm – write my first email to the Strata group with my mid-day findings. Try to have a tenant evicted for throwing a small children’s party on the weekend involving 14 adults and 10 children. There is still a toy on their front lawn. A direct challenge to my authority.
3 pm – stand in front of the mirror and imagine a world where I was actually a cop rather than an underemployed admin worker. Get interrupted by a meow. Spend my afternoon stalking the cat to see if it’s actually an unpermitted pet. Phone the Ranger who I have on speed dial and enquire about euthanasia protocol. Decide to letter-drop every resident reminding them of the by-law on pet ownership.
5 pm – have my weekly catch-up with the other miserable old cow and compare notes. Agree that resident 35Bs new partner has been using the sauna excessively as she still is technically a guest. We confirm that we’ve made suitable inquiries (peaked through windows) to make his ruling. Another letter drop advising that all girlfriends are banned from staying over due to this abuse.
7 pm – night time patrol with my sound level meter ensuring all evening activities are carried out in accordance to the decibel level I have personally set. Everyone knows about it. I made sure of that. Call the police on a gathering for using a Bluetooth speaker.
RELATED: The Human Zoo – Ms Strata Apartment Complex
8 pm – Bluetooth speaker is still playing music at a moderate volume. Leave an envelope with a complaint therein at their doorstep. Knock & run. As I scurry away I notice a car’s exhaust is a little too loud. Seems like my work is never done!
9 pm – Note the Bluetooth speaker has been turned off but guests are still there talking quietly. Decide to hit the fun switch and turn off their power main. That will show them. That will make them bend the knee. Now I dream of family’s begging me to let them stay. Should have followed my rules.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?