5:30 am – I wake up from another dream that my wife hadn’t left me because I blew all our savings on “that stupid fkn car”. I think about its naughty, toight little exhaust pipe and manage to hold back my man-tears for another day.
6:00 am – I’m forced to enjoy this morning’s Heinz Big Eat cold because I punched my microwave last night and broke the glass. Reheat my pie unevenly will you? Not on my watch.
6:30 am – I serenade me street with the sound of 6.2 litres of pure supercharged HEMI V8. I rev the shit out of it. God I like saying HEMI, you could say it gives me a HEMI-SEMI.
7:00 am – I arrive at site late and send out an open invitation to all my staff to take a swing at me. Predictably, they value their employment slightly more than punching me in the face. This is how I show them I’m still the alpha dog.
7:05 am – I instantly leave site and head to Total Tools. I’ll hide out here until smoko and watch other tradies check out my huge, bulging, RAM parked across 3 bays like the massive boss I am. I suspect the staff members have a different name for me.
Smoko – I once again commandeer smoko by talking about my pulling power. I notice some of the senior tradies now take smoko in their car but these apprenos can’t get away from me. God, they are impressed.
9:15 am – I see an appreno sneak a piss on site. He thought he was slick but since the ex misso made hurtful comments about my dick I have developed a sixth sense for when another bloke has his pecker out. Just to check. Just to compare. Nothing weird, every bloke does it. It’s normal OK?
9:16 am – the kid has a few inches on me so I piss over his piss spot to mark my territory. I then try to rub his face in it but he’s physically stronger than me. I play it off as a joke before retreating to the safety of my RAM. I tell the boys I’ll be out at meetings all day.
10:45 am – I do my best not to think about fuel costs as I cruise around leaving a trail of soaked panties in my wake. I don’t know if it was me cutting them off or my big dog energy but one Suzuki Swift almost went off the road.
11:30 am – I can’t stop thinking about the appreno swinging past the knees. It sends me into a rage. When I see a Ford Ranger driver pull out of a Red Roota I decide to assert my dominance. Prove a point.
11:31 am – I get so far up his arse I could be a Haemorrhoid that the doctor says I have because I don’t drink water. Ever. There is water in beer right? You don’t get to tell me what to do just cos you don’t shit blood every morning.
11:45 am – the Ranger driver has unfortunately called my bluff and is now following me. I can tell by his hand gestures that he’s up for a fight. I brake check him to give him a taste of what it’s like going up the rear of a real man. Wait. No. Not that.
12:15 pm – I arrive back at site and refuse to get out of my RAM and confront the enraged Ranger driver. I wait for my loyal staff to come to my aid. They don’t. Say goodbye to your fkn Xmas party you dogs.
12:45 pm – the angry man has finally left. Not before beating my side panels with his sledgey. I post photos of the damage to a RAM group and pretend that it happened while I was busy working. I say that if I catch the mutt who did this I am going to make them skip. Everyone agrees I am the toughest man on the internet.
1:30 pm – unable to even pretend to work while my baby is in such a state, I decide to finish early. I head to the pub and make sure the old mate alcos get a good look of my reverse parking into a bay designed for a normal car. Other motorists will have to go around me and that’s how I like it.
3:00 pm – I am disgustingly sauced and have gone through over 40 scenarios about what I’d do if I ever got the chance to meet the bloke who did this to my RAM. The bartender asks me if I’m missing my wife again. I tell him a RAM is better than a woman.
4:00 pm – I arrive home and get to work on a 10-pack of Wild Turkey. I fire up Plenty ‘o Fish and match with an admin worker from an industrial estate in O’Connor. Delicious. I mention my car despite every photo is me standing next to it. She loves it.
5:00 pm – things are going well so I decide to seal the deal. I send her photo of my meat-piston. She is very calm in the face of such a hog. She makes a quip about not liking large men anyway. I take great offence to this.
5:15 pm – I grab a tape measure and push the end so far into the skin at the base of my cock. I’m close to breaking the skin but manage to get another inch on the measurement. I send her the official reading and ask her in what world 5”1 isn’t a weapeen of mass seduction?
6:00 pm – there has been radio silence on the puss front since I sent that last message. No matter. I decide I’d rather have dinner with my RAM. I enjoy an entire East v West ovenables pack and give myself a happy ending in the driver’s seat. I kiss her on the dashboard after to say thanks.
6:15 pm – time for some involuntary sleep. God it feels good to be a RAM driver.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?