What your car sticker says about you

Country – these are the thoroughbreds of the car sticker world. You’ll spot these buckin’ amazing stickers on the most ridiculous country utes across the land. Classics include, “rum pig”, “if you’re gonna ride my arse at least pull my hair” and anything R.M Williams related. 

These are perfect to alert everyone that you’re no stranger to drinking a lethal quantity of alcohol at a ute muster. Or perhaps are banned from the Newman Races for a whip-cracking accident that left a Steward looking like the Joker. 

Patriotic” – these are perfect if you are the personification of “I’m not racist, but”. At face value, there is nothing wrong with your Southern Cross sticker but when paired with the 10 other stickers with a more anti-immigration kinda vibe, then you start to come off as a bit howyagarn. 

It’s also a reasonable indicator that the owner of the patriotically decorated ute lives along Perth’s southern “anger” belt running the length of the Kwinana freeway. Oh, and if you don’t like these stickers, leave.  

Racing – there appears to be a school of thought amongst people who have watched the Fast & Furious franchise an uncomfortable amount of times, that if you put a brand’s sticker on your car, people will naturally assume you have the parts of said brand under your hood. 

Naturally, if called out, they can just say they are supporting the brand and their house of lies remains intact for another day, albeit on the shakiest of foundations. So keep that Calsonic sticker nice and visible, boy racer. 

RELATED: Bunbury Ute Yellow Stickered for Failing to Display Hillzeez Bumper Sticker

Ladies men – scientists often ponder what the highest stage of blue balls a male can attain. Well, it may very well be sticking crude, sexually suggestive car stickers all over your station wagon. 

Not only is that “don’t laugh your daughter could be in the back” sticker repellent to women but it alerts local authorities that the driver has a fair chance of being on a few watch lists. It is a self cockblock that defies the very laws of evolution. Further research is needed on these road apes. 

Political – some people believe their political views are so nuanced, so right that they must drive around in a billboard broadcasting it. Of course, they will probably claim they are spreading awareness but do you know anyone who has changed their views on anything because they saw a sticker on a shitty hatchback rolling through Freo? 

As tends to happen, political stickers will come in large clusters of other views the person holds such as conservation, foreign policy and whatever else they can stick on there. It’s handy because people can still cop a big load of their opinions without having to see all the posters stuck around the front of their house. It’s about casting the net wide. 

4WD – it’s no secret that 4WD owners are very proud of their hobby. Stickers vary from the slightly risque “show us ya snatch” to the downright sublime, “get your vag in the Paj”. Although they never have the same menacing feel as the “ladies man” variety – probably because you know they’d rather penetrate their diesel encrusted exhaust than a human. 

There is, of course, another type of 4WD car sticker enthusiast and it’s the driver that has a particular problem with another type of vehicle. Much like Holden v Ford, the game aims to make other road users aware that if anyone drivers, a Ranger, for example, they are gay. This is about as deep as it goes but provides 1000s of hours of entertainment for these off-roading simpletons. 

The old mate passport – now and then you come across a flogged out Ford that is covered with a sticker from almost every town in Australia. These are the purest, most revered car sticker devotees in the game. 

It’s hard not to have respect for a person who has spent the better part of their 70 years sucking down middies in country bars and dining upon the fat of the roadhouse to survive. They deserve the two-finger wave even in the metro area. 

The mummy realm – yes, believe it or not, the demographic that shares minion memes on Facebook are the same demographic that plasters their cars with My Family stick figures, “Mum’s Taxi” and “Magic Happens”.

They do tend to cause an involuntary, double pinga-like eye roll but they also serve a purpose. You know to avoid these vehicles in shopping centre car parks – as no matter what you’re doing, they will take extreme exception to. 

Female bogan – ah yes, “powered by bitchdust”, “MINE not His”, etc. Nothing tells the world that you like to cause drama down at the Mandurah Forum quite like a few of these plastered across your car. They pair especially well with heinous pink interior.

You’d think they would be a powerful contraceptive but that clearly isn’t the case. Amongst other bogans these stickers are powerful aphrodisiacs and are responsible for thrusting more painful bogan baby names into the world than UDLs.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?