The Aussie Anti-Masker

Marley used to go by Matthew before his rebirth at 3 am during Splendour in the Grass 3 years ago. In that nang covered tent the jizzum of pretentiousness bonded with the egg of new-age indulgence and conceived a real wanker. Maybe it was the acid or maybe it was a spiritual awakening, either way, Marley was now woke. 

With his head firmly up his arse, Marley could see clearly now. He left Perth and joined the community of human sponges in Byron Bay. To complete his metamorphosis he started selling “homemade” beads he imported from China and wore a train conductor cap – all aboard the shitcunt express. 

His tax-free-threshold swagger helped him build quite an Instagram following. A loan from his concerned parents helped really grow that Instagram following. Now with a flock of 10k people (8.9k bots), he was ready to start dishing out unsolicited life advice from the school of free-thinking quackery. 

Marley was shocked when he heard the news of Victoria’s mandatory mask police. Despite the policy affecting him in no material way, he felt that he had to throw his train conductor cap into the ring. 

To kick off proceedings he records a 9 minute rambling Instagram video about the injustice of asking Victorians to cover their mouths to prevent the pandemic from getting worse. He leaves no stone unturned in the quarry of hyperbolic horsefeed. 

Among some of the hits: “Freemouthing is a BASIC human right!”, “Hold the fascists accountable for blocking the sacred entrance of your soul energy!”, “All Victorians should rise up! Today it’s masks, tomorrow it will be concentration camps!”, “Masks dont work, how can they block a virus that DOESN’T exist?”

Fearing a spiritual genocide, Marley consults his lord & saviour, Pete Evans. Naturally, Evans has continued to fall off the batshit tree and hit every branch – his latest post is information encouraging ALL Victorians to piss masks off, accept the fine and then clog up the legal system in a time of turmoil. 

Marley uploads another Instagram video parroting this call to action. However, he soon gets the inkling he has gone too far when his inbox is flooded with messages calling him an irresponsible dick-pull. His comments section is also the site of a slaughtering so brutal it would put a seasoned abattoir worker off his sausage. 

Marley can’t believe it, he’s all about superficially calling for everyone to love each other and now he is being CANCELLED. He has shat the bed royally and the only way to remove the stains is to apply the Napisan of a grovelling apology.

Naturally, Marley has crippling narcissism and any apology will need to also be completely self-serving. He begins by saying he acknowledges some people are offended and finishes the Insta-post with a 4 paragraph description of how the backlash has affected his spiritual energy. 

He is the real victim here, don’t you know?