IN FOCUS: Ooshies

Imagine a middle-aged woman desperately pushing, grunting and roaring in a room full of people. A little human is covered in the woman’s bodily fluids and is crying her eyes out in front of her. No, she’s not giving birth, she’s been told by a 16-year old that the store will no longer be stocking Ooshies. 

Ooshies are Woolworths latest stupid pieces of shit in their long-running experiment to quantify just how sad humans are. This time, they have teamed up with Disney to produce a range of miniature buttplugs that parents will destroy their weekly budgets to collect. 

Yes, those Supermarket chains that were patting themselves on the back for phasing out single-use plastic bags early continue to pump plastic into the environment at a rate that would give Captain Planet whiplash. One can only hope the nation’s turtles enjoy these little hors d’oeuvres at their pollution soiree. 

Someone who doesn’t breathe directly through their mouths would consider buying $300 worth of groceries you don’t need to collect extra packets of Ooshies to be a shamefully and wasteful perversion of consumeristic freedom. 

Alas, these Woolies Mammoths care not for your judgment and will trample all over you to get a few extra packets. Why? Apart from not having anything better to do the collectables are somehow worth money. 

The black market for Ooshies rages in the open sewers of Facebook. Opportunistic full-time-mummies will try to flog em for $1000s of dollars. To this day it remains a mystery as to who the hell would spend a stack on a little toy. 

One popular theory is you need to spend money to make money, and a $1000 investment in a glitter Mandalorian will help you sell your FULL set for $50k. Or whatever fanciful figure you’ve dreamed up after too much Diet Coke and Twisties. 

Now, Woolies has decided to discontinue the promotion due to unprecedented demand. Which translates to – “we’ve lost the battle against the herds of thundercunts acting like entitled children” at our stores. 

One can only pray for the teenage being forced to deny these creatures their Ooshies. At least Coles’ latest promotion involved books. Not that there is much of a cross-section between people obsessed with supermarket promotions and reading. 

Oh, just imagine acting like this, wasting all your money on groceries when you can just buy them from Big W anyway. Lord have mercy on our souls. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?