The TAB Enthusiast

There’s nothing more this Blue Steel-clad betting baboon likes more than a few strong pints and completely doing his nana at the screens in his favourite TABs. 

A weaker, less dedicated animal would’ve given his liver & bank balance a bit more time to heal after yesterday’s session. Not Troy though. Troy isn’t a man who can reason with himself. 

So he polishes off the remaining Woodstock in his bedside table tinnie and readies himself to get back on the vine of fiscal irresponsibility and swing back down to the pub. 

He’s still wearing the clothes he went to work in on Friday. Partly because he slept in them; and partly because he likes the respect a decent blue-collar working man gets in a TAB. 

Now just because he glances his eyes over the form guide doesn’t mean he understands much of what is being written. Accordingly, he kicks off his Saturday by making misguided punts like he was a concussed full forward. 

He’s lost a few so when his 4th horse looks like breaking away he decides to treat the collection of ghouls around him to the song of his people, 

“Carrrrrn cunnnntttttttttt getttttt up getttttttt upppppppp. GO GO GO GO GOOOOOO!!!!!! YES YES YESS CUNNNNNTTTTTTT”

His powerful tradie fists are almost putting holes in the table as he knocks over his 3rd pint. Not to worry he hasn’t finished his 2nd yet so he’s still got enough to wet his whistle. It’s undeniable his energy is electric. 

To celebrate the win, he buys himself two more pints to add to other ones sitting at various stages of completion. He also decides to shout the local old mates a drink. 

Drunk before midday, Troy gleefully shares punting stories with the old mates while repeating that it’s not about the money for him. Ensuring the chick behind the bar understands he’s a cashed-up plumber. 

While big-noting himself, a lesser tradie vies for his respect by giving him a tip in the next race. Troy gives him an affectionate sack tap as he goes to put a hundred on the race. Looking back he says, “better win”.

Well, it doesn’t and as his horse fades in the final charge he boots a bar stool across the room and challenges any swinging dick in the room to go him. He calms himself down and lets the tipster know there are no hard feelings. 

They share a pint while Troy browses for some “company” in the classifieds and all seems harmonious. That’s until the pair need to take a slash together. 

Flopped out and streaming in unison, Troy looks over and tells the man, “told ya it better win”. The man laughs it off before Troy deals out some justice and pushes the man into the urinal causing him to slip and land partly in the trough.

Troy looks down at the man and says, “lucky I don’t piss on you too, mate, ruined my winning streak”

Amazingly, the pair bond over the experience. Troy has established his alpha status in the TAB and the man now knows how passionate Troy is about a punt. They agree to go to a “live show” together, on Troy.

“Least I can do for pushing ya into the urinal ay mate” What a bloke. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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