GameStop has set a dangerous precedent in the deluded mind of Jack. To some, this market manipulation masterclass by Reddit rogues was a clear message to hedge fund scumbags that the barbarians had breached the gates. 

However, the lesson Jack took from it was that his “investment philosophy” of blindly jumping on hot tips on social media sites was flawless in every way. 

Total validation that he was the wolf of Facebook stock tips. Even if his portfolio was deeper in the red than a haemophiliac’s tampon. Mere semantics at this point.

Safe in the knowledge he was a gigabrain, Jack decided it was only right to give back to the community. So he rolls up his sleeves and selflessly offers his expert analysis on what exactly happened in GameStop.

His first unwitting student was a girl who had agreed to get a coffee with him out of pity. They fumble through some excruciating small talk before a long silence falls over the rendezvous. As she sips her long mac topped up, Jack decides to ring the bell – class is in session.

He grabs her drink, “imagine that I borrow this coffee off you. I now owe you one coffee right?” She freezes up. Terrified he’s about to launch into some kind of pyramid scheme or negotiation for a quick wristy, “um, yes?”

“Now, imagine I sell that coffee for what you paid for it. I’ve made $4 but I still owe you a coffee, right?”, she sits in bemused silence. He continues, “now, I’ve essentially made a bet that the value of the coffee will be $2 soon, so I can return your coffee to you and still make $2 profit, right? Well that’s essentially GameStop”.

He sits back with an expression that’s far too smug for someone who has just explained barely 1% of the total story. 

She searches desperately through her short term memory to remember where she actually asked. “Oh, you mean short selling? I think I saw that exact example on a meme going around this morning”. His heart sinks, how is it possible she also saw it. 

You’d think getting busted passing off basic knowledge you got from a meme a few hours earlier as your own expertise would humble a man. Not Jack though. He decides the only way out of this pit of shame is to double down. Hard. 

“Just giving you the basic version, it’s pretty complicated stuff, next time I’ll break down the pump & dump play for you, gotta walk before you run with the big dogs, babes”

When he gets home he jumps on social media and hammers out a few posts. One about how the Reddit stockbros could’ve done it better. One on why sophisticated investors like him aren’t really worried and finally, he channels his inner Elon with a one-word update, “Dogecoin”.

He messages the girl from earlier, “you know how we were talking about GameStop? Well, thought I’d run a little play of my own. Dogecoin just went up 20% after my status update! Ape strong together 😉 diamond hands, babes. The power of influence hey 😛 🚀🚀🚀. ” *left on seen*.

Move over Bic, this is how you sell a pen.

For more on Jack: The Amateur ASX Investor