Go Stereosonic – just because the festival ended doesn’t mean the lifestyle has to. Dancing like a shirtless creatine-dick is the number one tool in your schmoozing belt. You just have to get creative with it. Who said you can’t strut your 6 pack through Karrinyup shops? Who said you can’t have a little bop while waiting to get served at the supplement shop? Remember, SOA – shirt always off.
Dropping weights – nothing like the gym to attract a lady but the competition can be fierce. How do you separate yourself from the other cavemen? Drop your weights the loudest, obviously. Every girl within the building will instantly know you are pumping to Mr Olympia standards and simply can’t hold onto the weight for a single microsecond longer. Get your poon-stick ready because you’ll need it to fend off the soaking-wet hordes that mob you.
Involve her in your life – girls love feeling involved in your life. They don’t want to feel like just another entry to your little black book of scummy hit ‘n quittery. So let her take selfies of you posing like a fkn idiot. She’ll instantly feel endeared to you because you have let her in on your No.1 hobby and arguably the only skill you have in life. If she’s lucky, you’ll let her help with the emojis you add to your IG caption.
Come bearing gifts – who doesn’t like a gift? So when you arrange a little date you should come prepared. Bring her a fully personalised workout plan so she can address some of the “issues” you have identified with her face or rig. Make sure to go through your plan in detail BEFORE she orders so she can adhere to the diet plan. She’s gonna be biting her lip so hard, man.
Bring additional protein to dinner – while at dinner, ensure you brandish a Tupperware container of lean protein labelled with the exact weight. It’ll be a miracle that her undies are still on as you explain to the waiter that you need an additional 300g of protein and to pop it in the microwave for ya. Why is this so effective on women? No one knows but it’ll work every time.
Never split the bill (she pays) – absolute no-brainer here. Treat the time you spend together like she was finally getting to meet a celebrity or someshit (hey you have 2000 IG bots following you!). She’s that lucky to be sitting across the table for you as you tense your biceps while talking about protein. Therefore she should pay for the privilege.
Leave her wanting more – if you have followed this guide properly you’ll have her back on your mate’s futon that you’re crashing on (for the past 3 years). Now this isn’t the time for heroics. Give her the best 5 pumps of her life (refer to it as a set) and explode in a sweaty mess. Imagine how badly she’ll want more of that. Afterward, beg for positive reinforcement about how good you were.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?