Twiggy Declares Australia’s Future Is In Green Lettuce, Secures 250k Tonnes

After checking the spot price of lettuce, Andrew “Twigmeister” Forrest has asked a question of other billionaire entrepreneurs: “are you going to step up to make Aussie dinner plates green, or am I going to have to make all the profit myself?

By all accounts, Twiggy was unable to sleep knowing that your average pub steak’s side salad got even sadder. He even heard harrowing accounts of Aussies having to endure the coarse texture of cabbage in their Zinger burger. 

Of course, as it so often does, crisis precipitates opportunity and Twiggy saw the way forward. He knew a green future was essential for both Aussies and his bottom line. 

So without any delay, Twiggy snapped up 250k tonnes of China’s best hydro-grown lettuce that is currently sitting in sea containers docked in Port Hedland. 

A source close to Twiggy said the mining maestro was just one man doing his bit and would donate unsuitable heads of lettuce to local rugby teams to use as balls. 

Critics of Twiggy’s “green dream” claim that his purchase of so much lettuce at once was merely showboating and most will perish before reaching Aussie supermarket trolleys. 

A spokesperson for Twiggy’s lettuce enterprise rejected these criticisms and told The Times,

“This isn’t like those useless testing kits for the spicy cough. We believe that being momentarily deprived of affordable lettuce, Western Australia’s will quintuple their appetite for the leafy stuff and really give the economy a boost”

Ultimately, Twiggy welcomes a future where more Australians are fueling their bodies with green energy. A sentiment not echoed by some of his peers. 

Other mining CEOs believe that Western Australians should be fuelling themselves with food ol fashion, cheap chicken cooked over coals.

Twiggy’s wilted, manky lettuce is expected to enter the market soon. So get ready to up your salad game.  

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