WA bloke who spent 12 days on a Contiki tour fancies himself a regular Christopher Columbus now

Sorry if the sound of Mr Worldwide is disturbing your cosy little nap in your comfort zone, you culturally sedentary peasant. 

That’s the message Brett has for his haters after returning from a 12-day, 7-country Contiki tour with some of the loosest lads on the planet (19-year-old private school kids travelling on their parent’s dollar). 

We spoke to Brett who was carefully curating his travel photos to give everyone back home a taste of his adventurous spirit. He told The Times,

“Not all those who wander are lost, mate. So true, so true, you really don’t know yourself until you’ve rejected the footprints of giants and forged your own path through the great unknown”

An overwhelming urge to cut the interview short came over me but for the sake of humanity, his story had to be told. He continued,

“Have you ever had a REAL beer in Munchen? How about a guided tour of Venice? I doubt it, maybe stick to Bali or Down South and let the real wild hearts conquer the world. Men like me and Bourdain, sampling frites in Amsterdam, you wouldn’t get it”


We spoke to one of Brett’s friends who told us that he was carrying on like he was the first person to have his hand held while travelling. Adding,

“The only exploring he did was the contents of his stomach lining in hostel toilet bowls. Bet he discovered all sorts of things there. I was with him and he didn’t even get out of bed for Florence because he was so hungover. Then he steals one of my travel photos and said he pitied everyone back home still putting cream in their carbonara because he was only eating Bistecca alla Fiorentina di Buca Mario from now on”

There could be little doubt that Brett was a massive tool. Nevertheless, he is on a mission to tick off more countries from his “barely scratched the surface” list so exercise extreme caution if you find yourself on Contiki with him.