WA prisons under investigation for using apricot chicken as punishment

An investigation has been launched into the WA penal system after reports of misbehaving inmates were served up to 3 servings a day of Maggi Apricot Chicken cooked to authentic 1990 suburban kitchen standards. 

While incarceration isn’t supposed to be Disneyland, human rights activists are outraged at the pure inhumanity of the practice of serving up retro-Aussie slop instead of the usual gruel the other inmates get to enjoy. 

A leading human rights expert shook his head in disbelief as looked over photos of a prison officer’s nan lovingly overcooking the sugary shit in her favourite casserole dish. He told The Times,

“I mean apricot chicken? They are planning to take away darts from inmates and now serving up horrific bowls of Australiana. This isn’t just a punishment on the taste buds but will bring back painful memories of eating this shit every Tuesday growing up. Enough is enough. You have to ask if we want a generation of offenders back on the street desensitised to apricot chicken? They’ll go on to serve their kids apricot chicken and the cycle will continue”

A prison officer agreed to speak with The Times under the promise of anonymity. He recounted an experience involving a misbehaving inmate and a bowl of apricot chicken,

“He was on day 3 of his punishment. We served him up a special bowl of nan’s apricot chicken and a scoop of dry mash. It broke him, he said he’ll never shank another weak gutless dog again. Promised to turn his life around if he could just get one scoop of the beef stroganoff we had for well-behaving inmates”

RELATED: IN FOCUS – Apricot Chicken

However, sources high within the corrections hierarchy had stood by the decision. Saying while it was harsh to subject someone to apricot chicken it was getting results. A source told The Times,

“Look we’re not giving low-level offenders this treatment. We are saving this for the bad boys and girls. If you doubt our methods then consider this – we had a member of a 1% bikie gang offer to quit the game and dedicate his life to helping young offenders if we just stopped wafting the smell of apricot chicken through his cell. He broke before the first bowl was served, mate”

Of course, every radical plan has its drawbacks. While young to middle-aged offenders are suitably fearful of the infamous dish, those in the late gen X to boomer population are reportedly committing more crime just to get into prison now. The source continued,

“Yeah, you’d be surprised at how many 80-year-olds are actively trying to get locked up after they heard apricot chicken was on the menu. Gopher-jackings are up 1000%, it’s a bit of a concern”

RELATED: White Ox goes into liquidation after news darts will be banned in WA prisons

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