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WA has decided to trial iced coffee interlocks on repeat offenders who get behind the wheel of a truck fully charged on an egregious quantity of iced coffee. 

A recent incident in Welshpool has shone a light on the problem after an experienced truck driver tried to do some basic manoeuvring in a warehouse on Monday. 

His goal was simple, back the truck up so it could be loaded with valuable cargo. Instead, the unseasoned campaigner reversed back too fast and destroyed the entire payload. 

While making the incident report to a superior, the driver admitted he had consumed 3 Dare Triple Espressos in the 2 hours leading up to the incident. 

His supervisor told us,

“He was pretty gee’d up. Some of the older blokes can drive after a session like that but the youngster couldn’t handle his Dare. Farked up the day’s shipment and our truck smells like shit cos he was leaking out his arse. That’s a Dare overdose if I’ve ever seen one, lad”

Police have wanted to test for iced coffee in the blood of truck drivers who smash the Baysie Bridge for years. However the powers to be never paid attention. 

It is estimated that Dare could be a factor in up to 90% of incidents at the infamous overpass but sadly, the data has not been able to be collected. It could be closer to 100%. 

We spoke to Dane, a truckie who has battled iced coffee addiction for over 20 years. He told us, 

“Yeah, you think you’re superman after double banging a coupla doubles mate. Young kids now are on the triples too, bro. It’s a powerful rush but you’re left chasing the brown dragon, mate”

Asked to explain the high, he continued,

“There’s this window between destroying a servo toilet and having an anxiety-driven breakdown where you feel like you knock any kent out. Like ya could get to your destination an hour away in 20 minutes. Like ya could fart and get away with it. Doesn’t last long though but”

We asked Dane if he’d welcome the iced coffee interlocks into trucks for those who have proven they can’t handle the brown dragon,

“Yeah mate can’t have these fellers with shit-for-brains driving around all buzzed up on the juice mate, giving all us a bad name”

In 2020, Dane had to fill out over 138 incident reports for truck-related mishaps. This year he’s had to do 120 already. Perhaps the brown dragon comes for even the best of us. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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