Welcome to the wild west. Here is some cautionary advice to make your stay memorable for positive reasons.
1. Caution this is a mixed fashion zone
If you’re not comfortable with the sight of a bogan effortlessly blending winter & summer fashion then avert your eyes. If mangled Hobbit toes in Surfer Joe’s puts you off your brekkie, then stay in bed pal, preferably over east.
2. Please accept that despite where you came from in Australia, you are now from “over east”
Speaking of. I’m sure you spent many years formulating a state-specific Australian identity that you are proud of. Well, that’s no more. You’re just from “over east” now and all your culture & ideas will melt into the same shit-crucible of outside interference that Western Australians don’t care for.
3. Sunday mornings aren’t your friend
Life moves a little slower in WA on a Sunday. Our archaic trading laws mean you’ll almost definitely join a horde of sweaty unwashed consumers who are seconds away from beating down Woolies’ roller door. To make it sadder, many in this horde will be from WA.
4. Unsolicited conversations about daylight saving might be harmful to your health
It’s really a coin flip. So ask yourself if you’re feeling lucky. 50% of the time you might make a friend for life. The other 50% of the time they’ll need the jaws of life just to get this maniac’s mandible unlodged from your face.
5. Please don’t feed the animals
See those Turbos at Scabs? Or those FIFO workers at Crown? They haven’t eaten in 4 days and you may be tempted to offer them a little something-something while you’re out partying to keep them going. Please though, they don’t need anymore and the later they stay out the more they are going to annoy the shit out of everyone.
6. Keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times
Not sure what the arm out the window signifies to eastern state’s drivers but over here it’s a direct challenge to every V6 – V8 driver in a 2km radius. Brandish a “Commodore arm” with extreme caution. In fact, if at all possible, don’t drive. Nothing good can come of it.
7. No, the pub TV screen can’t be changed to league (NRL)
This is an AFL town. Just look at the state of the state newspaper to see the obsession. Asking for the NRL to be shown may result in unexpected results. Some are potentially harmful.
8. Don’t discuss the weather with that Pilbara bloke
To avoid social ostracism it’s best to keep discussion of the weather to praising our dryness. Don’t point out inconsistencies in that claim. However of particular importance, never discuss weather on ANY level with anyone from the Pilbara or higher. Life’s too short.
9. Perth bike lanes are intended for display purposes only
Legend has it a cyclist used one of our citywide bike paths once. Although, the claim is largely disputed given the bloke was 10 bush chooks down. Please don’t actually ride on them, it could upset the balance.
10. Don’t interrupt a Western Australian observing a Western Australian sunset
It is said that a Western Australian goes into a bit of a patriotic trance when reflecting on the beauty of a sunset OVER the ocean. Oh, you have that in Adelaide, do you? Shut your goddamn mouth immediately.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?