Perth man Ted has been balls deep in a X-Mas ham frenzy for the better part of 2 weeks and his loved ones are beginning to show concern. They are literally watching the man become the animal he so ferociously munches on.
Ted’s problems began after winning an X-Mas ham at a local bowls club night. A dangerous move for a recently divorced bachelor who now reigns as king in his meaty castle. He demolished the 6kg beast in about a week. Nearly averaging a kilo of the good stuff a day. He told The Times,
“You never think it’s going to be you. I just kept saying, the weights are half-bone anyway. After polishing off my first ham I figured I’d keep the fun times rolling. You never think about these things getting outta hand when you’re riding the ham-high mate”
One of Ted’s coworkers was the first to raise the alarm after seeing his mate triple bang ham sangas at lunch one day. He told The Times,
“We’re talking packed out man. No salads just monstrous bites of him between some shitty Wonderwhite bread. He inhaled all 3 in the time it took me to eat this miserable couscous salad I brought. He kept rhetorically asking how good ham was”
Ted’s sister was also concerned her brother was turning into a bad cut of meat after visiting and observing the contents of his fridge. 1 and a ⅓ hams and a coupla blocks of Export. It wasn’t the diet of a healthy man. She told The Times,
“I asked him if he was surviving off ham and beer. He avoided the question and racked up a fat slice of ham in front of me. Told me he didn’t have a problem. That it was X-Mas and it’s what people do. He was more ham than man”
It came after yet another horrific hammy gas leakage from his otherwise clogged anoos while attempting to talk to some females at a bar that he realised he was becoming a disgusting piece of shit. He told The Times,
“We were all just standing in the stink and it was the first time I could understand the animal I had become; I think I’ve gotta lay off the ham mate”
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?