“Your mate” – everything you need to know about the most dreaded social classification in Aussie society 

Navigating the nuances of the word “mate” is a skill that every Australian acquires through years of dealing with a rich ecosystem of human garbage. One subset of the mate genre that requires particular attention and a firm grasp on the concept may save you from the perils of societal shame.

“Your mate” generally refers to an individual who has clearly escaped their pond and is making a giant goose of themselves. While there are no strict criteria for the social ranking it will become almost immediately apparent once you encounter them.

Please note that an “old mate” is distinctly separate and is used to denote either someone whose name you have forgotten or a leathery cob screaming at the greyhounds and nursing a middie of Australian domestic beer. Despite their shortcomings, old mates have a special place in our collective hearts. It must be respected.

The first type of “your mate” you are likely to encounter is the unrelated variety. This specimen is usually flying solo and displaying the kind of decorum one might expect from a wild hog that got into the fermented apples.

When someone points them out and says “your mate” that are jokingly alluding that you are the type of person who would happily associate with the uncouth piss-wreck making a giant arsehole of themselves.

Of far more concern, however, is the related “your mate”. Every now and then, we exercise poor judgment when making friends and choosing who to invite. Every group has a few undercover dickheads lurking in the midst – and if you can’t think of who yours is, well… got some bad news for you.

“Your mate” typically has trouble moderating alcohol intake and holds abrasive world views that they are not shy to express to people they barely know. Please note, that as you invited them you are responsible for the shit-show. It may not seem fair but that’s the way it goes. There is nothing more humiliating than having your invitee downgraded from “John” to “your mate”.

Once given the “your mate” crown it is very hard to get off the dickhead-throne. You will forever be known as an idiot and whoever is responsible for you will hear about it for years after the fact. In rare cases, a “your mate” can redeem themselves but it’s best to steer clear of the title entirely. Prevention is the best cure.

Be warned that while you may be able to get away with bringing the occasional “your mate” along, you will begin to gain a reputation yourself if you’re a repeat offender. While not earning the title yourself, you can become a “your mate” by proxy and your judgment will forever be tainted in the eyes of your peers. You will never gain invite-trust back.

It’s useful to remember that to maintain a good party environment you need to spot the hazard, assess the risk and make the change. Dealing with an idiot early can save you many headaches later on. Especially if they make their way back to kick-ons and fully express their shitcunt-artistry while too cooked to stop.

NEVER invite a “your mate” into your home. As like a reputation vampire, once in they will drain you of every last drop of respect you formally had. Be safe. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?