10 Commandments Of Office Etiquette 

1. Thou shall respect the sanctity of Monday morning

not everyone jumps out of bed in the morning like the energizer bunny with a car battery attached to its meat & veg. This is especially true on the first day of the week. Respect people’s right to slowly drag their arse into reality as they try to reach peak caffeination before the existential anxiety attack.

2. Thou shall turn those headphones down, DJ Tinnitus

in many ways you’re worse than the fucknuckle cranking his little radio out loud. That’s because headphones are meant to be a discreet, silent experience for those around you. Forcing people to hear muffled snippets from your latest true-crime podcast is an act against the laws of office nature. 

3, Thou shall show a scrap of humanity in the toilet

the greatest argument against intelligent design is how humans act in a communal toilet situation. How could a loving God possibly exist when Shanice just did *that*. Wall-to-wall proof that humans are soulless beasts. Be the change you want to see in the world. 

4. Thou shalt not turn the microwave into a weapon of mass stinkstruction

much like the toilet grub, the cretin who decides to give the office a thick microwaved fish aroma is not welcome in any modern society. It’s not easy pretending you don’t want to bite the face of that heavy breather next to you when your nostrils are copping an artillery assault from Kevin’s tuna mornay. 

5. Thou shalt not steal

see that Red Bull my child? It is not yours. It means more to its owner than you will ever know. Similarly, sorry that your stapler is a piece of mechanical shit, doesn’t mean you get to pull a little Milton-switcheroo. We all know how that ended. 

6. Thou shall chill out on the niche-interest-bombing

it’s wonderful to have hobbies but it is less wonderful to subject your coworker trying to make a quick coffee to a blow-by-blow account of your recent ice bath adventures at 9:05 am on a Tuesday morning. Write them a fkn memo if you have to. 

RELATED: Corporate Miner Swaggering Up St Georges Tce Like His Lanyard Was An Olympic Gold Medal

7. Thou shalt not leave passive-aggressive notes

no problem has ever been solved by simply leaving a note. In fact, it only encourages the intended audience of the note to act contrary to it. Try speaking to a coworker like they are an actual human. Not the mere corporate cattle you consider them as you rise to the top of the admin snitch pile.  More HERE.

8. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s hot desk

hot desking is truly a crime against the natural order of office life. Much like hippos we are territorial creatures when it comes to our workspace and seeing someone arbitrarily decide to invade your pond is grounds for a metaphorical boat charging. Instead of drowning fishermen though they will just fantasise about your untimely demise. 

9. Thou shall fucketh right off with all those meetings

meetings are the work of professional “delegators” who have fobbed off all their work to the plebs so to feel productivity they have to destroy everyone else’s momentum. Could the meeting be an email? Of fkn course it could. It’s time to STOP. 

10. Remember the Friday arvo sabbath, and keep it holy  

what separates us from the more ambitious corporate cultures around the world is our fiendish love for Friday long lunches. It is the height of rudeness to get into someone’s shit the minute they return from Friday lunch. In fact, save it for Monday afternoon, you intense go-getter. Friday afternoon is a mere formality. 

RELATED: Coworker makes difficult decision to sound boring rather than reveal truth of what she did on the weekend

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?