As borders open up and the Labour Day long weekend looms, thousands of wander-out yonderers will descend upon WA’s favourite holiday spots. Here’s a helpful guide to endear yourself to the locals.
Infect Them – there is nothing regional WA loves more than filthy city-slickers dragging their contagion to their quaint little towns. Naturally, regional WA is a bit more sheltered from the rona and they can feel like they are missing out on all the fun.
Enjoy the loving looks you received as you cough, splutter, and get your grubby mitts all over their shit. While refusing to wear masks because you’re on holiday. Sharing is caring.
Remind them they rely on your tourism dollars – establishing tourist dominance is important in any regional community. How could they possibly survive without your cheaparsery ordering a couple of entrees and tap water for lunch?
Ensure every staff member you encounter is acutely aware, that should your ring not be kissed, you’ll refuse to spend a single further dollar from your purse. They don’t call the saviour of regional WA for nothing, bucko.
Complain about the price of everything – similarly, you should really make regional WA vendors feel guilty about how many of those precious tourist dollars you are shelling out. Rather than accept it’s a fact of life that some things may be a bit pricier so far from Perth.
It’s especially important to make every petrol station know exactly how much you EXPECT to pay for petrol and how displeased you are having to spend the extra 7c a litre.
Then proceed to clog up the line while umming and ahhing about spending $4 on a roadhouse coffee like the massive tourism turd you are. It’s not like locals have anywhere to be.
Put their emergency services to good use – you’ve got the MaxTrax, you’ve got the snorkel, you’ve even got fancy little tyre deflators. You were born to be an off-road warrior. Surely you’ll have it made in the shade cast by your Kings awning.
Wrong. No matter how much gear you’ve acquired it will never change the fact you don’t know how to 4WD. Not to worry, emergency services in regional WA aren’t under the pump or anything.
Give ‘em something to do as you clog up valuable resources because you went all hard-tyre on a beach you weren’t even supposed to be 4WD’ing on.
Manifest your unreasonable expectations as a 1 star review – you ain’t no punk. You were formally used to the finest 5-star quality Seminyak had to offer. You know exactly how far your dollar should go and what luxury you should be surrounded in.
Should a reasonable individual assume a regional WA caravan park doesn’t have all the bells & whistles of a Bali Villa? Well, in your opinion no, and you will have your point of view heard.
If you’re unable to strong-arm a regional operator into giving you a full discount because you didn’t realise it’d be hot up North in March, then hit em with a one star review. Does this make you an arsehole?
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?