A Guide to Pub Etiquette

1. Don’t dog the queue – turbos, don’t be angry someone else came first for a change. Ladies, having 2000 insta-followers doesn’t entitle you to VIP service.

2. Know your food order before getting to pole position. Don’t punish the crowd because the complexities of a pub menu are beyond your comprehension skills (More on pub feeds HERE)

3. Remember no one is impressed by you waving money. you’re ordering a drink not paying for a lap dance.

4. The local pub isn’t a cocktail bar. Your Sex and the City fantasy is killing everyone’s will to live.

5. Even if this is ladies night, it’s possible to order a drink at a volume that doesn’t turn everyone’s eardrums into swiss cheese (More on espresso martini culture HERE)

6. Don’t be a weirdcunt in the toilets – keep your eyes on your own prize, manage splashback by not pissing like you’re putting out a fire and practice urinal distancing.

7. Respect the old mate. He’s done it tough. He hasn’t gone 1 day without the pub for 48 years. So don’t test him.

8. Mates don’t let mates become “your mate”. Send that sloppy jalopy home (more on You Mate HERE).

9. Don’t ghost when it’s your round. You may think your cheapskatery goes unnoticed but it’s noticed. Oh, it is noticed (more on captain tightarse HERE).

10. Simmer down that Sportsbet intensity. It’s no one else’s fault you can’t pick a multi to save yourself (more on the punting tragic HERE).

11. Contrary to popular belief, you can’t coward punch your way to having a bigger dick. Stop trying, slugger.

12. No one gets paid enough to deal with a gaggle of Karens. STFU.

13. Don’t waltz in smelling like a weapon of mass Joopduction. We all must share a confined space, at least for the duration of the order, so ease up on that cologne stud. 

14. On UFC days, do your best to confine your cage fighter fantasies to your own head. No one is impressed with your shadow boxing in the smoking area, big slugger. 

15. Give the rookie bartender trying to change the gas bottle on the outdoor heater some space. That reversrse thread is a doozie and your baboonesque howling isn’t expiating the process one bit. (Read more HERE).

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?