Dear BTT,
I’ve been noticing some changes in my son. He’s in year 10 at a good school and keeps bugging us for some silly looking running shoes by Nike. Last week we found him with a vape and when I took it off him he said that I should “illchay” because I didn’t want war with Perth’s realest.
He’s also been a knucklehead but I’m worried this new phase will lead him to a life of petty crime and knocking up an Eshette when she’s 17. I think my son is an eshay. Help!
Kindest regards,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Delivering this sort of advice never gets easier. Your boy is displaying some classic signs of Western Sydney eshay cultural appropriation. What we must do is determine exactly how fast the eshfection is spreading in his body and whether it can be slowed or cured.
First, you’ll have to venture into his Spotify playlist. Go to the most played list and check for the presence of ONEFOUR, Kerser, Hooligan Hefs, and Al Huncho. If the list is over 50% of these artists you have lost your boy to the streets.
Please then check for a Soundcloud to see if he’s trying to replicate this sort of music. If he is “drilling” about the mean streets of Doubleview then you don’t need any further test. He’s a full-blown eshay and you must take action immediately.
Next, you’re going to want to discreetly follow your boy when he heads off to school. You have probably got reports he is wagging so you need to know what he’s up to. Ideally, a parent would like to know their son has wagged school to catch the perfect wave.
In an imperfect world, he’s wagging to hang out at a train station to try and intimidate international students for their fancy shoes. Luckily, he’s a private school boy, not a gangster, the most trouble he’ll get into is a fine for fare evading. What a little bad arse you’ve raised.
If he’s ticked a few of these boxes then there is one final test. Keep a note of every stupid word he says. While incidents of pig Latin are rare in the WA eshay scene, it could mean a serious dedication to the lifestyle and that’s not eetswa my bah.
So, you should be fairly confident in diagnosing your boy now. So the answer is what to do about it. For low to moderate eshification, I suggest a tough love approach. Things are clearly too comfortable in his life and he’s relying on a deluded street fantasy to feel better about his privileged life.
To that end, smash his fkn Playstation in front of him and say that if he grows that rat tail out one more cm you’ll be shipping him off to stay with his grandparents in Merredin for the school holidays. That will de-esh that little turd quicker than any other method.
If he’s ticked a few of these boxes then there is one final test. Keep a note of every stupid word he says. While incidents of pig Latin are rare in the WA eshay scene, it could mean a serious dedication to the lifestyle and that’s not eetswa my bah.
If the eshfection is slightly more advanced, simply take him to a local skate park and point out the older guys who are now forced to hang out with kids because life has passed them by and their only recourse is cashing in their social capital they acquired from a life of tagging bus windows. Tell him that will be his life. Scared straight, if you will.
If he’s in the grips of stage 5 eshification then unfortunately you have no choice but to disown him. In a kinder world, you would’ve hurled him off a cliff like an imperfect Spartan baby but you weren’t to know. Please note, he hasn’t reached this stage until he’s banned from every David Jones for racking designer hats and polos and is actively producing music about his petty crimes.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
