5 years ago, Matt had a crazy little dream. He’d leave the big smoke of Geraldton and live a good honest life in Broome flogging off mangoes to tourists that he affectionately calls “mutts”.
So he left his life and barring notices from every licensed venue in Gero behind and upon purchasing a little slice of paradise he got to work on his mango empire.
However, it seems like his stepdad was correct, Matt had “shitfabrains” and decided to plant 2 trees from saplings out the front of his property. A decision he would live to regret.
After a long wait, his trees finally fruited and Matt could barely contain the raging entrepreneurial stiffy that sprung at the thought of ripping off tourists for what he would claim to be “Broomes best mangoes”.
Alas, after a busy day of getting blackout drunk and fishing. Matt returned to his crop to find fruit missing. He flew into a rage going door to door demanding answers on who pinched his retirement plan. Speaking to The Times, Matt’s neighbour told us,
“Matt is a farken idiot mate, I told him to plant em out the back, there are so many bloody mangoes in Broome that anything not fenced off is fair game around these parts, rocks in the head mate. Could you ask him to return my whipper snipper?”
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Day after day, Matt would return from fishing to see more mangoes gone. He was losing the battle so took to setting up a camping chair out the front of his property and overlooking his trees each day.
Alas, the harsh Broome sun and Matt’s penchant for 20 bush chooks a day meant he often zonked out. Leaving his trees vulnerable to the long line of folks wishing to dine from the buffet of nature. A couple of #vanlife parasites told The Times,
“This drunk dude was at Divers going on about having the best mangoes in Broome or something. He said he’d do us a deal, when we rocked up to scope it out and he was passed out in his chair and had pissed himself, so we just grabbed a couple and bailed. You can’t like, own a mango man”
To date, Matt has made no money off his mangoes. In part due to raids but also because there are “so many bloody mangoes in Broome” that the business plan was preposterous to begin with.
Matt didn’t have much to say to us, other than vowing to turn the shotty he claims to own on the next scaly reptile to come 5m from his trees. He also said his neighbour can “shove the whipper snipper up his arse” as he knows he’s also been pinching mangoes.
His only hope for financial stability is to stop spending hundreds of dollars on KFC auctions when he’s hungover every weekend.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?