So, you got a job in a regional school, hospital, or mine site have ya? Going to move up North are ya? Well, you’re probably wondering if you’ll survive. Are you Pilbara tough enough? Is your weak city slicker chassis Kimberley graded? Time will tell but here are a few tips to give yourself a fighting chance.
Develop a taste for flies – you have two options essentially. Be driven to the brink of madness as you flail around like an iced-up wacky, wavy inflatable blowy man every second of the day. Or find gratitude in the extra protein flying your way.
Your average northern resident consumes upwards of 50kg of fly sashimi every single week. You are probably sitting on a pissweak 0.01g at the moment. Up that intake and prepare for you new life in the swarm. More about the fly life HERE.
Accept the local claims about pastries – years of city living has made you soft and spoiled when it comes to cuisine. Time to unlearn everything you reckon you know about pastry and prepare to champion your local community’s bullshit claims about having the “world’s best pie” or whatever.
You can resist, sure. You can regale your new neighbours with stories of a banging pie you once had in Malaga but it won’t win you any friends or favour. This will also apply to the local pub’s burger with the lot.
Don’t go winning anything at the pub – speaking of the pub. This will be a great way to meet your new community and make a few friends. That’s if you don’t go and do something completely fkn stupid like taking out the chase the ace in your first week.
Studies have proven that you have to have clocked up over 30 years of residence before winning even a meat tray. That’s if you don’t want to be followed home by a 4WDing vehicular menace with Mick Tayloresque spotties. Know your place. Read more about risking your life for a meat tray HERE.
Look the part – regional fashion is truly something to behold. From the runways of Hedland to the centre stage of the Roey sports bar, it’s truly a wild land of dangerous looks. Now, we could tell you to pair faded boardies with a Hi-Vis top but you aren’t ready for that. YET.
No, what you need to do is go out and buy a brand spankin Akubra to make yourself feel like a true blue cob or cobette. Will they buy it? Shit no but the comic relief you provide to your new community will help ease their natural instinct to belt the Perth out of you. More on being an Akubra wanker HERE.
Utilise all you’ve learned from the Perth sprawl – it may shock you to know that you’ve been training for a life up North your whole life. Living and accepting the sprawl will help you transition into some truly horrifying commutes up North.
The sooner you can accept a 250 km trek is a “short drive” the more at peace you will be at the vast expanse of your new home. What about 500 km? That’s nothing mate, some folks will do that when they are craving a zinger box. This is probably the only lesson from Perth that will serve you well. More on the sprawl HERE.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?