Basil Zempilas has defeated Sandy Anghie to claim the coveted Lord Mayor title for a second term in a row.
Sources state that Basil cleaned up at least 56% of the vote and in the face of the resounding victory, the Lord Mayor believes “it’s time” for his magnum opus. His piece pièce de résistance – a giant Baz statue in Elizabeth Quay. A source from within the Zempilas camp told The Times,
“History will look back on the 2023 Perth mayoral election as a turning point for the CBD. This year we got eScooters next year, who knows? Maybe a new cafe. It’s all happening in Perth! Bring on the Baztue”
Early plans for the Baztue had the structure standing at a monstrous 107m. The thought was that it was just taller than the Carlton Ritz so he wouldn’t face the fate the 82.5m Bell Tower has endured at the hands of the loftier structure.
Alas, experts have provided advice to the Lord Mayor that a 107m statute of himself at the base of Barrack St might be “laying it on a bit thick”.
Therefore the revised plan for the tower is a very modest 83m high. Which most people can agree is an understated and elegant shrine to the Lord Mayor.
A source close to Baz told The Times that the original plan also had the structure made out of solid gold. Again, advisors to the Lord Mayor were worried that such a garish material could be considered a waste of ratepayer funds.
BREAKING: Perth Cactus to be replaced with a tumbleweed to better represent the CBD
Accordingly, we understand that the Lord Mayor is prepared to concede and use silver instead. This naturally brings up another question – who is going to polish it?
Sources indicate that Baz will take a very active role in vigorously polishing himself but will also recommend to police that people committing anti-social behaviour in the CBD are given an on the spot fine that can be redeemed via 8 hours of polishing. A criminal policy expert told The Times,
“If they are going to get everyone committing petty crimes in the CBD a shine notice then that thing is going to be blind people. It will be brighter than the sun. I don’t think it’s a good idea”
There you have it.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
