The AFL Tribunal convened this evening to hear the case of Perth Zoo’s Orangutan’s charge of rough conduct against a possum that ventured into his habitat a few days ago.
The Tribunal heard that King Louie arrived home one afternoon to find an invading possum camped in his enclosure. No doubt trying to get at the sweet, sweet pineapple he’d reserved for his after work celebrations.
In an effort to rid the possum of his life, he yeeted it six ways to Sunday, and the little feller was captured flying through the sky. However, King Louie’s lawyers managed to argue the charge away. One telling The Times,
“Look, it was a jungle act, plain and simple. He may not have meant to fling the animal quite so far but ultimately what else could he have done? He’s an extremely strong great ape! He can’t exactly control that kind of strength”
It was also submitted to the Tribunal that the possum was unharmed. Which was confirmed by expert testimony from the Perth Zoo. We asked if King Louie had a statement for the public. His spokesape told The Times,
“King Louie is deeply saddened that the possum got tossed quite so far however he maintains that it was a jungle act. Please don’t forget that King Louie brought the possum wine and flowers to apologise. He’s a good guy. Just likes his space”
Sadly, it wasn’t well received in the possum camp. With a relative of the flung possum saying that this was “far from over”. Adding,
“Clearly the Tribunal just wanted a great ape to walk free. So close to the good weather zoo season. We will be appealing this decision and also raiding his enclosure nightly until we get our fill of his fruit. What a meathead”
King Louie didn’t respond to the threats. He just continued to wank in full view of the public. Like he does.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?