Perth bloke Andy has thrown himself an absolute Hail Mary in the dying hours of his ill-fated Bumble date by rushing into the toilets are paying $2 for a vial of pheromones. Hoping the scent will get him over the line.
By all reports, the date started poorly when Andy was forced to bask in the judgmental glow of the catfish. He told The Times,
“So I haven’t updated my profile photos in a while. What’s the big deal? My mum reckons I look exactly the same as when I was on my 2016 euro trip after a hefty year of competitive sports and no drinking”
Not only did Andy’s date not find him particularly physically attractive but she also didn’t care much for his sense of style, humour or general conversational skills. An onlooker described it as a “train wreck” whereas Andy wasn’t so keen to concede defeat. He told The Times,
“I’ve always looked at that weird unit in the toilets and wondered what kind of loser would buy an obvious scam to try and get some action. Well today, I was that loser. She was toidy man and I reckon she was just distracted over the fact my six pack was now a gut. Get over it”
A fellow pubgoer who was in the toilet at the same time as him warned him to save his money. He told The Times,
“I’ve been down that road brother. I’ve been down that road. You really can’t phantom how much of a dickpull it makes you feel like once you commit and spray that shit on yourself. It’s like one of those bottom moments you’d hear about in an incel anonymous group”
Andy rushed out of the toilet hoping his next zinger about hating women’s soccer was going to land extra hard given his new advantage. She merely asked him if he’d doused toilet spray on himself and said she had to get back to her cat.
Unfortunately for Andy, the bold move didn’t pay off. Who would’ve thought?
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
