Bunnings has taken the unprecedented step of stripping a local DIY warrior of his Bunnings Trade Hoodie after once again acting like a goose without a pond in the trades section.
At approximately 9:30 this morning, Jason entered the store with the intent to swing his big DIYck around. He had the swagger of a man who mistook having an ABN for being a registered and competent tradesman.
A witness at the scene said that from the go Jason was dribbling all sorts of shit. He told The Times,
“This fkn guy mate, he comes in and holds up the trade desk for ages arguing over why his piece of shit Ryobi drill broke. A line of busy tradies just needed to get on with their day but he wasn’t having any of it. At least 20 minutes he clogged it up like the shitter on Xmas”
It wasn’t long until the masses turned on him and told him to hurry tf up because some of them had to be back on site. He turned around and told them he was a PowerPass carrying member and deserved to be treated with respect.
After the ordeal, it was discovered that his VW Golf was parked in a tradie loading bay. He refused to move it saying he was determined to get a comically long length of wood in his car and drive away. Just like any other elite tradesman.
After seeing this tool trying to place the wood in the least lethal position he could, a member of the Bunnings Rapid Incident Alert team swooped in from head office. He told the man that the decision had been made to de-hoodie him on the spot. A spokesperson for Bunnings tol The Times,
“It appears we didn’t vet our customers well enough in the early stages of the hoodie rollout. It has since come to our attention that weekend warriors, DIY cowboys, and unhandymen have taken a shine to them. We seek to address this with maximum prejudice. This clown was just one casualty”
We spoke to Jason who was left a sobbing mess in the car park. Without his hoodie on he felt vulnerable against the crowd of irritated tradies threatening to skulldrag his car out of the bay. He told The Times,
“That Bunnings Trade hoodie meant everything to me. I will sue these bastards for what they did to me! I deserve respect! I AM BUILDING A GAZEBO. I HAVE AN ABN. I AM A GOLDEN GOD”
Sure, mate, not a gazebo any wise person would possibly stand under. Well done Bunnings you are doing the lord’s work.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
