Dane knows that the real endurance event in the City2Surf isn’t the run, it’s how long you keep people, especially girls on Bumble, aware that you ran it in the days, weeks, and months after. To that end, he’s found an “ingenious” solution.
So the day before the event, he had his competition bib surgically grafted to his skin. Becoming one with the universal sign that he’s a fit hard body that will rock your socks off while checking himself out in the mirror. He told The Times,
“Think about it, what if someone forgets? I’ll whip my shirt off and BOOM they’ll cop a big load of fitness prowess. For a year when I’ll get it replaced with a new one. The doctor says it will eventually just be absorbed by my body and I’ll get a 24% boost to my baseline smugness”
The doctor who performed the surgery told The Times that the procedure was controversial but undeniably impressive. Adding,
“See, it’s not just a skin graft it’s a metaphor. It says he’s not just a competitor for the day he’s a competitor for life. He’s ALWAYS better than you not just on race day. I think it’s quite profound. He says he also wants his Rotto swim texta permanently tattooed on him”
Naturally, the move has already paid dividends with no less than 30 female competitors throwing themselves at him after he absolutely smoked the 4km race. He then hit Bumble and claims to have had over 1000 matches. He told The Times,
“Even by my standards this is a lot of puss. I asked some of the event staff if they’d like to follow me around and control the crowds that are trying to get to this sweaty, hunk of running meat ha ha”
Watch out Perth, Dane is on the loose.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
