1. Outside your daughter’s school
Let’s face it. This is what it’s all about, isn’t it? Your daughter is in high school and no longer looks at you like the hero she once did. So what’s the best way to make yourself cool in her eyes again? Yep, a little shock & awe outside her school.
Now, this is a more delicate mission so remember less is more. You won’t need the kind of raw, eardrum-bursting revving like other places on this list. Just make sure all her friends see what a badarse daddy she has for a father.
If poon is your game you’d head to more mature pastures and in reality, the only women who would actually be impressed by the sounds of a Harley are either locked up in Bandyup or overseeing their incarceration as guards.
Now, this mission does come with some obvious downsides. It’s not like the Cappuccino Strip where the poon will be flying at you. This is more of an investment in the long game. Create a sense of mystery about you and maybe one day one will be released and recognise your unique brand of revving like a farkwit. God that’s cool.
3. Bunnings car park
To embrace your new life as a sigma male you’ll have to get used to the haters. So go and rev the shit outta your hog around your fellow people. Once all the other dads see that you’ve had the bottle to step up and live the dream they’ll be forced to angrily admire you.
This kind of conflicted emotion will lead to comments like, “shut the fark up dick head” but you’ll know exactly where these sentiments are coming from. Congratulations, bad boy, you’ve just got yourself some haters.
4. Magistrates Court
Speaking of the bad boy image, you need to nurture that. It’s absolutely critical in maintaining your Harley swag. So where’s a great place to flex on real bad boys who probably just had their licenses torn up for 12 months? Yep, the Magistrates Court.
What’s that heavily tattooed bloke who just found out he won’t be able to drive until 2024 going to do when you rev at him from the street? Nothing, you’re the big dog now. All he can do is hear the power of your revving piss stream.
It may seem counterintuitive to go revving around a ghost town but that’s exactly what you need to do if you want to level up and become your final form of middle-aged Harley rider.
See, it’s important to find an answer to the question, “if I rev my Harley in the street, but there is no one to hear it, do I still make panties drop?” Of fkn course you do, and you’ll realise that as you hear the echo of your engine through those empty streets because guess who just had a tsunami in their underwear? Yep, the universe herself. Damn, boy, get it.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?