Perth’s second IKEA store is going to be located in Cannington and it’s hard to tell who is enjoying the news more – fans of flat pack flimsy bullshit or the State’s divorce lawyers.
The store will operate as a display room where couples will need to come back to pick up their order. In essence they have managed to make the IKEA experience even worse.
Typically, every trip to IKEA takes a year off a couple’s relationship expectancy. While experts are divided on the exact reason it may have something to do with the general shitshow that IKEA is. One such expert told The Times,
“Think about it, you’re having a lovely Sunday and then your partner suggests you go and scope out IKEA. By the time you get in the store, the car park has already broken your will to go on. Then there’s that maze to navigate which tests even the strongest spirit”
The expert pulled out a photo he keeps of his ex-wife in his wallet and he began to sob. He composed himself before continuing,
“But that’s not the worst of it. Oh no, the worst of it is when you get the crap you bought home and the flat-pack nightmare begins. I was happy once. I was married. Now I howl at the moon and ask God why he led me to the forsaken retail hellhole”
We spoke to a Cannington couple who were already staring into the abyss of mortgage stress, annoying children, and marital bed colder than a polar bear’s ballsack. Trev told The Times,
“Yeah, IKEA ay, I suppose we’ll have to check it out. Maybe it will give us the little push we need to face reality and admit that we can’t stand the sight of each other. Can’t wait!”
In fact, the mere news that a second IKEA was being placed SOR has caused a local family law firm to experience a surge in website traffic. The director told The Times,
“I think people are getting in early. Using the old trick of having a consultation so their partner can’t use that lawyer. We often see this when the circumstances are nasty and any post-IKEA shop is going to cause a very nasty divorce”
Couples looking to drive that final nail in their relo-coffin can expect the store to appear in 2024. For now, you’ll have to travel just that little bit further NOR if you want to put yourselves to the test.
Check out more on IKEA couples here: The Human Zoo – The IKEA Couple
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
