WA’s South West is truly god’s country. It is an essential holiday for any sand groper. Of course, it doesn’t come without its hazards. Let’s have a look at the main players.
1. The Forrest Highway pest
To some Forrest Highway is a marvel of engineering that has made our commute Douth faster than ever.
For others, it’s the playground of the Humpty Dumpty fuckstick who will do all they can to make that commute as painful as they possibly can. Notable for right-lane camping and left-lane acceleration to block an overtake.
2. The wine tour gaggle
Nothing sends shivers up one’s spine quite like the undeniable sound of a wine party bus rocking up as you dare to treat yourself to some of Australia’s finest wine.
Out the gate, the wine tour gaggle will release sounds that should be covered by the Geneva Convention. It’s only downhill from there, as they flood your space and make the rest of your tastings as enjoyable as a prostate exam from Edward Scissorhands.
3. The brewery bogan
irritated that his day so far has consisted of wine, the brewery bogan isn’t going to waste any time getting absolutely beer-paddled at the first brewery the tour stops at.
Enjoy his colourful language and stinkeyes as he lets his feralings run wild and free through all your shit. More on this guy HERE.
4. Over aggressive anti-tourist local
The Western Australian is a territorial beast and that could not be truer for Down South residents. Much like irate hippos they will attack without notice if they feel the least bit inconvenienced by half of Perth pouring money into their community.
It’s particularly enjoyable when this fierce localism is perpetuated by people who have just moved down a year ago. Newsflash bud, the real locals hate you too.
5. The Bunbury Farmers Market car park cretin
It can be hairier than Rapunzel’s shower drain in that bad boy. So anyone going above & beyond to make it harder is truly deserving of a commendation.
Watch this cretin completely discard notions of human decency as it becomes every luxury 4WD owner for themselves. Harrowing stuff.
6. The wannabe surfer
Conveniently absent during the better surfer season of winter, this swell-dodging blowhard is better suited to roostering around Cave’s House and talking about his surfing prowess than ever getting into the drink.
There’s nothing more satisfying than seeing a 15-year-old have to swim out and give him a hand because Captain Hangover is too unfit to surf the conditions. More on this guy HERE.
7. The influencer
With popular geotags, iconic vistas and luxury accommodations it is no surprise that influencers buzz around Douth like the giant insta-turd pile it is.
In peak season, you often feel you may have wandered into a giant unpaid modelling shoot rather than a holiday destination. More on here HERE.
8. The winery car park hero
While technically a menace you get a lot value out of these dillweeds. Seeing the look on their rich little face as they finally use their fancy 4WD for 1/10000th of its capabilities is truly a sight to behold. If you get a chance, write a little note in their back windscreen dust.
You can be assured it’ll remain visible for several weeks as the owner gets a stiffy every time someone in the golden triangles sees the mess. More on this guy HERE.
9. The unsatisfiable golden triangle blow-in
Speaking of the golden triangle. It’s not secret that Dunsborough is essentially South-Cottesloe for most of the summer season.
Therefore, it’s impossible to avoid the sour faced, unsatisfiable snobs that will constantly look like they’d discovered a skiddie on their plate. Don’t be surprised if you cop the same look, you are ghastly common after all and your presence is interfering with their birthright. More on this type HERE.
10. The Margs reborn faux-hippie
It’s a peculiar combination of meth, Peter Evan’s live streams, and fresh salty air that makes the Margs reborn faux-hippie such a remarkable specimen. It’s like Byron Bay just with more sov cit sentiment.
RELATED: Claremont Man Waiting on 300 Series to Re-Establish Dominance in Winery Car Parks
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
