Eagles put on critically endangered list to prevent further massacres

The Australian Government has sensationally leaped into action to protect Western Australian eagles after witnessing a wholesale massacre of the big birds last night in Sydney. One that left conservationists sick to their stomachs. 

Now, the West Coast Eagle will be moved to the “critically endangered” list with harsher penalties for anyone who thinks they can commit such callous acts against them. A spokesperson added,

“Geez, that was rough. Can we as a civilised society sit back and allow that sort of unadulterated slaughter to occur? Will you be happy to say you did nothing? I mean, Christ on a fkn bike. 200? Heeney filling his boots? Shitney mids getting over 30 touches? End of days”

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We spoke to a witness at the SCG who says she can barely sleep. Haunted by the sights and sounds of last night,

“Every time I close my eyes I hear another Sydney goal slotted. They were just toying with the big birds by the end. It’s no way to treat native footy fauna. I saw a number of Eagles’ fans begging the umpires to call the fkn game off but they said they didn’t want to interfere with nature”

Not everyone agrees. One key voice in the conservation space, who was wearing an uncomfortable amount of purple said that perhaps the species had run its course and that we should all “let it happen”. It should be noted he was harder than a diamond drill bit at the time.

Authorities are even considering prosecuting The Swans over their role in the massacre. Given the Eagle is already a protected species. A spokesperson told The Times,

“Look, 100 points we could have stomached. You have to let nature run its course but 171? We think that’s grounds for prosecution. If we don’t protect the Eagles, who will?”

We understand a number of Swans are in custody at the moment with further arrests to be made. 

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