Early spring weather fills woman with joy over all the new plants she’ll mercilessly slaughter this season

Mel doesn’t really know where her interest in grisly True Crime ends and her ill-fated green thumbery begins. Mostly because for Mel, the result is always quite similar – carnage.

Nevertheless, the glorious late Winter sun has Mel dreaming about all the new house and garden plants she plans to buy shortly. New additions to her neverending theatre of slaughter. She told The Times,

“I really want some victims for my vege patch that I’ve never watched wither and fade off the mortal coil before. It’s a great time to plant some if I want to see a a vege-graveyard by about October hehe”

We spoke to Mel’s partner who said he was worried when she gets that glint in her eyes. Adding,

“You have to understand, Mel can kill a cactus. I’m not even joking. I don’t know how she does it. I guess it’s her unique brand of too much love and simultaneously total neglect. Quite amazing really but it also takes its toll on us. She mourns every fallen soldier like it was her plant-babies”

Mel has dismissed her partner’s musings and says she’s a new woman. Promising that she’s been watching as much Costa Georgiadis as she can and this season will be different. She told The Times,

“He calls me Pol Potplant. I think that’s very rude and I’ll show him this season. Wait until I’m whipping up fresh bruschetta with my own produce and he can enjoy a shit sandwich, the hater”

Get it together Mel, your plant-babies need you.

RELATED: What your favourite houseplant says about you

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?