The World Cup is a fair excuse to indulge in some good ol fashion bandwagoning but you have to do it right…
1. No one has sympathy or your lack of sleep
Remember, you merely adopted the sleep deprivation, true fans of the game were born in it, molded by it. So if you think anyone is going to care that you stayed up for a 3am game next week then think again.
Just have a honk on some Armadale espresso like a normal person.
2. The S word
It’s not possible to unwire an entire lifetime of conditioning to call the game soccer. Odds are, this mental barrier will be too much to overcome but just know when you’re around true fans this word can be jarring.
Expect eye rolls, being corrected and a raging Balkan bull getting an inkling to deal with your insolence.
3. CelebrationÂ
If you’re used to Aussie Rules footy you’d know that not every goal is worth giving it your all. This philosophy simply won’t do around proper fans.
Every goal requires you to go absolutely troppo. A full blown celebratory frenzy. You can’t over do it, jump around, let off a flare, suplex yourself through a table, whatever it takes.
4. Become an expert on every position on the fieldÂ
One doesn’t simply dip one’s toes into the bandwagon broth, one fully immerses oneself and you better believe everyone is going to get wet from all that new found knowledge dripping off you.
Within 48 hours you’ll have strong opinions on formations, pressing systems, substitutions and whether the manager got his tactics right. Last week you couldn’t identify a corner kick. Today you’re explaining the difference between a high press and a low block to your workmates.
5. Learn to deflect probing questions about A-LeagueÂ
Ah yes, so all your tactical expertise has won over your new people and they just have to know if they’ll be seeing you at the next Glory game.
Or if you even know who the Glory are.
You must deflect quickly because you know deep down you’re nothing but a flowing river of sh*t that flows every 4 years and then returns back into the earth once the tournament is over.
6. Embrace the chantÂ
Chants are important to the culture. Sure, you may associate a spontaneous AUSSIE, AUSSIE, AUSSIE chant with some flag-cape wearing rockape and would prefer to sit it out but that would be unwise.
It will be the only time in your life you can chant with impunity and not have people wonder if you’re barred from every licensed venue in the state.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?