Like Jonny Bairstow you’ll be stumped to figure out why you haven’t embraced the joys of Butler before now. Well, don’t let dreams be dreams and jump on board.
1. Getting there
To truly get into the mindset of a Butler resident you must embrace the grotesque expanse and harbor a burning disdain for convenience.
To that end, you really can’t go past hiring a stretch hummer for your amazing day out. Make sure you at least pay homage to the traino – the only thing Butler has to hold over their Ellenbrookian neighbours.
“Wow, this is pretty far huh? To think this isn’t even the tip of the iceberg. What a marvel” – Testimonial from Clarke
2. New Freeway Extension, New You
Is there anything more exciting than Perth’s critical infrastructure finally catching up to its sprawl? What better way to celebrate our baffling town planning policies by enjoying the limey brick road to paradise.
If you want a true taste of the experience, jump on during a peak hour time and feel the full joy of spending half your life idling on a thoroughfare so jammed up you’ll want to smear it on your toast.
“It’s safe to say the lack of a direct Freeway route was the only thing stopping me from spending more days in Butler. Call me a Colgate-dodger because I’m all in!” – Testimonial from Linda
3. Shop ’till you drop
It will become apparent quickly that Butler is essentially a massive shopping centre next to a beach. So make the most of that and enter one of Perth’s most diabolical experiences – the unholy quadrangle: Spudshed, Supercheap, Aldi, and BCF. Oh, the humanity!
It’s a who’s who of lane cloggers, slow movers, diagonal drifters, mouthbreathers, weekend warriors, and bargain-seeking elbow-throwers. Your average Perth resident can spend no longer than 15 minutes in the quadrangle. A Butler resident can spend up to 45. See how you go, lad.
“Yuck” – Testimonial from Sue
4. Get forked!
No, it’s not an Irishman abusing you, it’s a special sculpture of a fork deep within Brampton Park. Why should you go in search of this piece of cutlery art?
Well, to remind yourself that Butler is no less a suburb than a flavour destination. An exotic treat away from Perth. So, prepare to have your adventurous peas mushed and let Butler zest up your life with the day trip equivalent of a big load of Daddy’s Brown Sauce all over your face.
“That sure is a big fork. We went at night and I was legitimately fearful I’d get knifed too. Good times, good times” – Testimonial from Bruce
5. Lose yourself in the sprawl
There are so many treasures to find in the vast fields of undeveloped blocks of Butler. Take the time to trudge through the sandy wastelands and reflect upon the perverted manifestation of the Australian dream that this unnecessary suburb so perfectly encapsulates.
Maybe pick up a discarded homemade bong and have a cheeky rip while your kids dodge medical sharps.
6. Find yourself in the middle of a Guy Ritchie movie
You’ll think you’re in the middle of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Pipes when you get accosted by some troublesome geezas rolling around on eScooters looking for a mug to mug.
Of course, you could flip the script and take your own favourite Adidas tracksuit and become a public nuisance yourself. Options galore in Butler.
7. Rethink the concept of “perfect beach weather”
Beaches are a little bit different on the northern pom-belt. Given the vampiric pigmentation of the locals, you will have the beach to yourself if the mercury tips a blistering 18 degrees.
Be warned, however, if the mercury is sitting at a balmy 16 degrees, you’ll struggle to get a spot, as the locals will flock the shores to work on their cooked-cray tans.
“When I saw the forecast was 19 and rain I thought what a lubbly day for the beach and some bazball on the sand, innit” – Baz
8. ‘Ave a whinge, luv
Butler is a perfect place to bemoan the inadequacies of Australian life. We are no longer a prison, but you get the distinct feeling the English think they are being forced to stay here.
Nevertheless, it makes for great fun for the whole family – check out the daily “complaining of the housewives” at Dome Cafe; a must-see spectacle! Especially given the wonderful view of a lake with a water feature.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?