How To Have A Perfect Day In Sunny Maylands

Maylands is a watering hole that welcomes all manner of creature to quench their thirst for suburban enjoyment. Come see why so many people are saying, “yeah, it’s not that bad anymore”.

1. Enjoy one of Perth’s worst thought out supermarket exits

Coles Maylands’ car park is one of Perth’s most epic pieces of shit. What truly sets it apart from the rest is the one way exit onto Fallkirk Ave. IF someone lets you in you still have to deal with a little “keep clear clusterfuck” of cars coming in and out of the little pharmacy complex.

All in all, this is the sort of exit that will test your patience. Resulting in a T-Bone situation as you let your passion consume you. Just exit out the other end you reckon? Well not onto Guildford Road you wont. You stupid piece of shit. Then again you have plenty more Maylands to explore so why not?

2. Get that Mount Lawley chip off your shoulder for good

You have to understand that Maylands had a rough childhood. Growing up, they were always just the disgusting, bucktoothed cousin to the family favourite Mount Lawley.

However, after donning the snapback of gentrification Maylands finally has its act together while Mount Lawley has the energy of a blobfish gasping for air on the shore of insolvency.

3. The Great Peninsula Drive

You’ve heard of the yellow brick road, well welcome to the yellow sticker road. What a marvel of engineering Peninsula Road is.

Wind through a suburb for no real reason while you see the sights: a bottle shop in the middle of a random massive block, pensioners watering their lawn and of course, the never-ending stream of police vehicles from the nearby police complex.

“Wish I’d checked my brake lights before this scenic cruise. Now I’ve got a Canary and it’s on crooked because I called the cop some regrettable names. Cheers BTT” – Testimonial from Liam

4. Enjoy the fruits of gentrification

Gentrification is the CLR that removes the caked up scum that previously stained a suburbs demographics. Whatley Crescent is no longer the kind of place that you’d rub one out behind a bin while you wait for your dealer, oh no, it’s a thriving strip.

So, fire up that Instagram account and show the world how you spent an uncomfortable amount of money on a loaf of bread. See, even the wank has been gentrified.

“I couldn’t believe it, they catered for all my dietary food indulgences, let me take my Frenchie wherever I liked and conceded that their organic wine selection could be better, I hardly had anything to make an angry comparison to my 3months in Melbourne about, definitely won’t be coming back” – Testimonial from Richard Head

5. Don’t dig too deep though

What’s happening in the burbs you may ask? Don’t ask questions. Keep your eyes on the strip. You are safe on the strip. One cannot fully forget Mayland’s past and one sure as heck shouldn’t forget you are bang on the Midland train line.

Maylands perfectly sums up Perth – a veneer of civility hiding the unpleasant gingivitis of riff-raff. That is to say, you might find yourself bleeding from the mouth.

6. Small bar scene

You’ve heard a lot about Mayland’s thriving small bar scene, and yep, 100% true, the Peninsula Tavern still shines as a beacon of hope for old mates and the most grizzled cobs this side of Guildford Road.

Come find out what Broadsheet & Urban List have been raving about. Have a middie of Swan while you go ape at some greyhounds or express some “views” about the AFLW. Need more fun or a pub crawl? C Jays ain’t far!

7. Bogan Waterworld

Yes, it’s true, Maylands is a “riverside suburb”, but what they won’t show you in the glossy pamphlets is that they share a chunk of the river with the FIFO capital of Perf: Belmont.

In summer, the swamp is filled with bogans enjoying their watercraft. Be prepared to listen to the loudest Aussie hip hop while you patiently wait for a boating altercation to turn into some aquatic fisticuffs, ya mutt.

8. Finish off at a car park with a view

As a tribute to the Maylands of the past, go and find a little car park off Clarkson Rd where you’ll get to gaze upon the marvel that is a dragon boat. She sits behind a fence in all her glory. Load up that Gatorade billie and live your best life.

RELATED: 8 Ways To Get a Big Glass of East Perth Up Ya

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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