Maccas – you’re a plain Jane punter whose idea of getting crazy is dipping a chip into a sundae. You have no idea why your Bumble account isn’t popping off given you clearly state you rock out to cool bands like Snow Patrol. You also could be a stingy cop.
Hungry Jacks – you’re a slop boss that gets a perverse thrill from being catfished by every burger you buy. No matter how inedible that burger looks you’ll go at it duck-style while veering out of the drive-through, almost smashing your dual cab into a Barina full of stoners. Police are regularly called to the HJs you visit. More on HJs HERE.
KFC – your idea of a good time is running an unrelenting froff train on your liver every weeknight and a brunch Zinger Box is the only shining light in your life. Even if it makes you feel significantly worse mere seconds after licking every corner of that greasy box. You love it.
Grill’d – not only do you hate burgers & chips but you also feel you have too much pesky sanity. To address this, you head to Grill’d to be swarmed by ex-Boost juice employees who are duty-bound to disturb you every 5 minutes.
Domino’s – you’d leave the house but there are way too many stains on your tracky dacks. You’d get some better fast food but your last fifty was spent on some of the worst weed Perth has to offer. You seem to think old Domino’s boxes are delightful centrepieces in your shitpit.
Pizza Hut – you walk the convenient culinary landscape as a broken person. The only thing that makes you whole is the memory of the all-you-can-eat restaurants. Each bite of mediocre pizza gives you a small taste of that. You’d give up your firstborn to have one back.
Roll’d – you want everyone to know that while you enjoy fast food you don’t have to wipe your arse 40 times after every shit. You’re better than everyone because your feed has some aromatic herbs.
Sushi Hub – you love nothing more than getting in people’s face about the point of ginger with sushi. Yet you’re a disgraceful hypocrit who drowns every log in 2 soy packets. You pig.
Roota – you’ve worked up a big hunger after paying for a wristy in the car park. You love WA but people no longer talk to you because you keep bringing up the downfall of the Strip Sub. It all started when they renamed it the Rippa, etc etc.
Chicken Treat – again flying the flag for WA but deep down everyone knows you’re a bit of a sicko that gets far too much delight from being blasted in the mouth with piping hot mayo in a deliciously soggy chicken roll. It’s who you are.
Chooks – you have exceptional taste and know quality when you see it. Even hearing the name brings a tear to your eye and puts you in a mood to bang it down to Denmark to get some of that original franchise recipe. More on Chooks HERE.
Nandos – you’re a weights dropping, creatine-shaking, gym selfie-taking meataxe that discusses every meal in terms of grams of protein. You have no sense of value and believe your choice of Nando’s sauce is a personality trait. Or you’re a Brit who still thinks it’s a fancy restaurant like back ‘ome lad.
Guzman y Gomez – you measure your life in stingy cuplets of extra guac. The sort of person who dared look at a box of Old El Paso and think, I’d rather spend $20 on that. Nevertheless, you feel cultured because you’re giving yourself diabetes with Jarritos. Not Coke like every other non-fiesta’ing pleb.
Zambreros – despite being the exact sort of person to eat Tex Mex you believe your choice of burrito bowl basically makes you a Tijuana local. You’ve also convinced yourself that it’s authentic and will tell anyone who asks.
Taco Bell – at least you’re honest about your interest in Mexican fast food. You don’t care about authenticity. You don’t care about your ring. You don’t even particularly care about your life. Just shovel that shit in and create a wonderful shitcaso painting on the bowl of existence.
Oporto – you’ve probably got lost on your way back to NSW, pal. With so many homegrown chicken joints you have to ask questions about a person who goes to Oporto willingly. You probably like the State Of Origin.
Lord Of The Fries – you regularly ask people if they’ve seen the movie Dominion. Your social media is a shrine to your diet choices and have possibly been chased off several rural properties by an irate farmer.
Subway – others merely adopted denial. You were born into it. Moulded by it. Deep down you still think it’s the healthy option. Even after loading that double meatball sub up with cheese and 2 types of full cream sauce. You try not to think about their old mascot when eating.
Sumo salad – Subway diners, hold your beer! The now-defunct Sumo Salad was a real haven for the Caesar salad crowd who figured a box of croutons, bacon, parmesan & lettuce was a diet hack that would make even the best dietician bow down in awe.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
