IN FOCUS: Hyde Park

Hyde Park is the jewel of the inner north and a seething hotbed of human zoo activity. Come for the beautiful fig trees and stay because you did your ankle when you slipped on a used toilet franga.

During the week, Hyde Park is ruled by the inner North mummy mafia. These pram pilots will clog the walkways as they drift in great herds. Marvel at their inability to navigate their baby, control their indulgent designer dog and fury type on their phone at the same time.

Don’t get in their way though, as it’ll be your fault. Hell hath no fury like an entitled mummy scorned. You’ll find yourself the subject of a very angry local FB community.

During the weekend, Hyde Park really comes alive. Taking the first shift is the cookedcunts from the night before. Enjoying a sunrise while babbling ecstasy-nothings at each other. Watch the retirees judge the plumes of weed smoke as they power walk around the pond.

Next up, you have the disciples to the church of Chu Bakery. When they are not lining up behind their red velvet rope, they are sprawled across the grass with their white boxes and are Instagramming the living hell out of their #blessed lives.

Enjoy these moments of peace while they last, as coming in hot are the enormous family gatherings who like to set up mini encampments for the day. It’s at this point that the tranquil bird noises get replaced with the screaming lungs of a thousand free-range children. It can be rough.

After the sun starts setting on the park things start to heat up again. Hyde Park is a great location for a spot of dogging. It’s dark, central and just prime for some anonymous lovemaking. Great if you’re down to get Dyson’d, not so great if you stumble upon it by accident. Keep your wits.

So needless to say, Hyde Park has something for everybody. Whether you like it or not.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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