Cruisers truly are the forbidden fruit of the booze world. Alas, unless you are a teenage girl or a fully grown Toolie, there is a level of shame in purchasing a carton of these devilish little one hitters. 

Now, just because no one wants to be caught buying them doesn’t mean they won’t want to get their hands on them. Bring a carton into a sesh and they’ll be raided like Epstein’s portable hard drive. 

The first thing you’ll notice about Cruisers is that for a drink primarily favoured by children, they are farken expensive. Even Uncle Dans can only bring the price of a 10 pack to around $36. A carton floats around the ghastly $85 range. 

Yep, that’s pretty pricey for a small bottle of soft drink with a couple of drops of vodka in ’em – 1 standard drink to be precise. You’d probably get drunker from the mist of a drunk bogan’s aggressive splashback off the wall of a urinal.

That’s if you drunk them like a civilised human being.  Which, of course, you wont. See, the decision to crack into the Cruisers isn’t a decision made by a sober mind. Quite the opposite. 

Typically, the decision is made when the thought of drinking your 15th beer for the afternoon is about as appealing as a prostate exam from the BFG. Why have drinks go down like razor blades when you can get lost in the fruits of the tropics. 

Guava, pineapple, passionfruit, wild raspberry are all waiting to turn your stomach into a magical fruit punch. At the very least, it will make the inevitable toilet bowl serenading taste all the sweeter. 

As for consumption, it appears that the only acceptable way to drink a Cruiser when you’re over the age of 18 is to skol one. Maybe two. If you’re being honest with yourself, they are only 275ml, you can fit a third in that funnel, mate. 

Of course, it’s pretty devastating to see your $85 investment gets smoked in about 10minutes. You will likely turn on your friends who you accuse of taking too many. Cruisers were meant to bring everyone together, not tear them apart. Expect multiple trips to the bottlo for these moreish little suckers. 

It’s like the hello kitty of binge drinking and a great way for you to get an extra 10/15 more standard drinks in at the end of an already liver-smashing session. Just what you need, really. Best not to think about the sugar hangover that will double team you the next day though.  

Could be worse. You could have regressed back to the stage in your life when you thought Smirnoff Double Blacks were a good idea. A Cruiser’s evil cousin. A drink that has ended more nights than a paddy wagon.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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