A young mummy & daddy influencing superteam has decided the time is right to bring another precious life into this world after a thorough review of key engagement metrics across their social media platforms.
“It just felt right”, Dani said as she looked disapprovingly at her rapidly de-cutifying first child. Pausing to look at a framed photo of when the child was social-media relevant and not just another bland, featureless toddler-potato in the likes-harvest basket of life. He continued,
“It’s important to have a child for the right reasons, ya know? Everyone is feeling the pinch of restricted reach and competition for engagement. We want to stick to our core brand of generic-happy-family-but-dead-inside kinda vibe so we think a little miracle would be so special!”
Dani’s partner, who is mostly just a nice set of Colgate’d teeth, thanked their firstborn for his service. Telling the 3-year-old that it had been “real”. He told The Times,
“You should see some of the other mummy/daddy influencer accounts that are getting way more likes than us but their kids are at least 3 times more disgusting than ours. It’s a pretty cruel game, social media so we’re doing all we can to position ourselves for a strong 2023. It’s the miracle of life”
Dani had already set up a dreams board in her “influencing space” with the exact characteristics of the child she is attempting to manifest. She just finished sticking up a picture of piercing blue baby eyes when she told The Times,
“Why can’t you just order what you want out of a catalogue! Hehe, I told my partner that if it comes out ugly we’re getting a divorce hehe. He said sometimes ugly can work if its a unique ugly so I guess that’s acceptable. What we don’t want is boring really. He has to pop in those Reels”
We understand the couple has even had several discussions over whether Dani’s partner is the right man for the job. With the man himself admitting he questioned his credentials,
“It’s a risk with my seed. Odds are the baby will look pretty similar to the last one and we all know how that went. What a little waste of time. We were thinking of maybe a half-Indonesian boy. Give our kid a little of that influencer shade but not so much as they’d doubt it was mine. I’m considering it for the team”
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?